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Give Me The News, Doc…
07/26/2014 from DailyJokes#951

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The patient said, “Give me the good news.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

The First Fight
07/25/2014 from DailyJokes#950

Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.

No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Bill said “When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.”

Hillary replied, “I know. But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.”

The Strongest Man
07/24/2014 from DailyJokes#949

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Represent Numeric Without Using Num
07/23/2014 from DailyJokes#948

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’
So Murphy say’s, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, “What the hell’s that?”

Murphy says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” “Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.”

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
Murphy says, “Each trees dirty now! So it’s dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, ‘n dirty tree, dat’s 99?
The boss is getting worried he’s’ going to have to hire Murphy, so he says “All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100.”
Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, “Got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, “There ya go sir, 100.” The boss looks at Murphy’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” “Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!”

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, “A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now you’ve got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?”

07/22/2014 from DailyJokes#947

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and –WHACK!!– he knocks him off the bar stool and says,

“That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy thinks “GEEZ” but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden –WHACK– the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says,

“That was a judo chop from Japan.”

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back –WHACK!!!– He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says,

“When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”