Jokes Library

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Memory Course
03/04/2015 from DailyJokes#1179

Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

“Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?”

“Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yeah, that’s it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?”

Frying Eggs
03/03/2015 from DailyJokes#1178

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling…

“CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!”

The wife was very upset, “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don’t know how to fry an egg?”

The husband calmly replied, “This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me…”

Football and Confession
03/02/2015 from DailyJokes#1177

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest.

At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. “I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents.” “Ahhh, that’s a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin’,” the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

“That’s not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents.”

“Saints preserve us!” the priest said, making another chalk mark.

“There’s more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team’s players in the . . . in a sensitive area.”

“Oh, goodness me!” the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. “Who in the world were we playin’ when you did these awful things?”

“Southern Methodist.”

“Ah, well,” said the priest, wiping his sleeve, “boys will be boys.”

Irish Joke
03/02/2015 from Jim Wint#1176

Q. What is Irish and stays outdoors all night long?

 

A. Patty O'Furniture

Bridal Registry
03/01/2015 from DailyJokes#1175

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, “I think she’s too young to get married.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because,” she said, “they registered for Nintendo games.”