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Strudel
07/30/2015 from DailyJokes#1341

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother’s strudel!”

“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”

“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?”, the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

“Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries.

“I’m very sorry, grandfather, but she says it’s for the funeral.”

How to Quit Smoking
07/29/2015 from DailyJokes#1340

Peter, at a New Year’s party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.

‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ Ken responds. ‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ replies Peter with a grin. ‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’

‘Phase one?’ wonders Ken.

‘Yeah,’ replied Peter, ‘I’ve quit buying.’

Veterinary Clinic
07/28/2015 from DailyJokes#1339

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog’s chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven’t even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it’s head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he’s gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That’s outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

Free What?
07/27/2015 from DailyJokes#1338

I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale.

“I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read ‘free cocktail with dinner!’ The ‘cocktail’ was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!”

“Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?”

“Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I’m harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-”

“Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there.”

“I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!”

“Oh, I see…” I thought a minute. “Which half?”

“Don’t make no difference!” he wailed.

Raining in New York
07/26/2015 from DailyJokes#1337

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

“Mom,” said the boy, “what are all those women doing?”

“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.”

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”

“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.