Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!
A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
A man walked into a local pharmacy while laughing hysterically. He asked for two condoms and still laughing, paid the pharmacist and walked out.
The pharmacist was intrigued and curious about this odd behavior. But didn’t give it too much thought. However, the next day it happened again. The same man walked in laughing hysterically. He ordered two condoms paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
The pharmacist remembered the day before and started to wonder what was up – but not for too long because he had work to do.
But again, the next day the same guy walked in laughing hysterically. He ordered two condoms paid the pharmacists and walked out laughing.
Now the pharmacist was perplexed and eager to know that was going on with this guy. So he ordered his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he was going, should he return.
Wouldn’t you know it. The same guy came back again the following day laughing hysterically. He ordered two condoms paid the pharmacist and walked out laughing.
The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. “Well,” asked the pharmacist, “where did he go?”
“STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE.”
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says: “I’m going to become a lion-tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion-taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“I’ll take that big chair they all carry, and I’ll stick it in his face until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with those big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”
“I’ll take that whip they all carry, and I’ll whip him and whip him until he backs down.”
“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”
“I’ll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him.”
“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”
“I’ll pick up whatever’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.”
“Well, what if there ain’t nothin’ on the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”
“You ain’t thinkin’ none to clear – cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be SOMETHING at the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
She thought for a minute about what to say with him, then came up with what she thought was the perfect solution.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said: “Bart, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”
Just as the teacher had paused, Johnny also paused to think about his response.
He replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”