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The story of my life…
07/30/2014 from DailyJokes#955

After years of scrimping and saving, I told my wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

“No,” I said sadly, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

Lazy Boy
07/29/2014 from DailyJokes#954

A man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the exam was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor said, “you’re just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Where you Working
07/28/2014 from DailyJokes#953

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in Management.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Insomnia
07/27/2014 from DailyJokes#952

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him. “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I know” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

Give Me The News, Doc…
07/26/2014 from DailyJokes#951

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The patient said, “Give me the good news.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”