Jokes Library

A man always wanted to go sky diving but was never able to gather the courage. He goes to the airport and inquires about what is involved in the jump. The manager explained the proceedure to him: "We are expert chute packers and have never had a failure. We take you up in the plane and tell you when to jump out. You pull the main chute ripcord. It always works but if it doesn't, you pull the auxillary chute ripcord. You float softly to the ground and we will meet you in that truck over there." The man decides to gofor it. The plane takes off and circles the airfield. He jumps out and the main chute fails. He pulls the second ripcord and that fails. He looks down towards the ground and says, "I bet that damned truck isn't there either."

A man in his late 70s is at a pub with a friend of his, discussing their respective wives. "Mine still thinks she's a young woman." "If you want to know how young she is, you can try this little trick. When you get home, ask her what's for dinner from several distances. Start at 30 feet, then 25 feet, then 20, and so on. The sooner she hears you, the younger she is." So an hour later, the man arrives home and shouts, at a distance of 30 feet from his wife: "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. He goes a bit closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He goes closer and asks again, no response... When he is finally in the doorway of the kitchen., about 5 feet away from his wife, he yells, "Honey, what's for dinner?!" His wife turns around briskly and says, sounding irritated: "I've told you three times now, chicken and mushrooms!"

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of retirees when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which she gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her: "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replies. "We just love the chocolate coating on them."

A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror. She said to her husband, "Darling, I'm old and fat. Cheer me up, pay me a compliment." "Well," he replies, "Your eyesight is still good!"

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."