A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
I never told this story before, but I remembered it today and it made me laugh. The greatest customer ever: I used to work as a bagger at a small, family owned grocery store while I was in high school.
One day a cheerful old woman came through the checkout with a cart full of groceries.
Me: " paper or plastic?"
Customer: " I'd like double bagged paper and I'd like you to make each bag as heavy as you can."
Me: "sure thing!"
A bit of a strange request, sure, but anything that broke up the monotony of the day was welcomed.
I started packing her bags with twice as many items as usual.
The customer interrupted me to say: "You can surely fit more than that, right? make 'em real heavy for me honey " I raised an eyebrow but carried on, making the bags even heavier and more loaded than before.
She then asked me to take the groceries to her car, which is something we used to do at our store. I managed to load her entire cart into three faily heavy bags and bring them out to the car. Even I struggled to lift just one of those things.
Then the woman turns to me and says: " in case you're wondering - I just had a fight with my husband and it's my turn to pick the groceries."
Customer: It's also his turn to unload the car"
Then she winked at me, got in her car, and grove away.
I'll never forget you old lady. You taught me an important lesson: never mess with the elderly.
A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”
“You jerk!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” the judge continued.
“Jerrrkkk!” bellows the same man.
“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar.
He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely.
“Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant.
"How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted.
Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling.
The therapist is shocked—this man's reaction completely disproves his theory! “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”