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08/22/2017 from DailyJokes
#10472


A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

“I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.

“Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

“My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum.”

Funny +81
-35 Not Funny
08/21/2017 from DailyJokes
#10469

 


An Arizona couple, both well into their 80’s, went to a relations therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have intercourse?”

The doctor raised both eyebrows, but he was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for advice that he agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”

He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them $50 and said good bye.

The next week, the same couple returned and asked the therapist to watch again. The therapist was a bit puzzled, but agreed.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after three months of this routine, the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”

The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married; so we can’t go to her house. I’m married; and we can’t go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all….

“Medicare pays $43 of it!”

Funny +174
-20 Not Funny
08/20/2017 from DailyJokes
#10466

Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual meeting of technological advancement reports.

The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, “We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!”

The crowd was shocked and murmurs of “How could this be!” were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, “I’m sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun.”

The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, “Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean.” Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall.

An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador’s ear. He bowed deeply and said, “My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean.”

It was now the French ambassador’s turn to make announcement of France’s contribution. He stood and looked around, “We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!”

Now the UN meeting was in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering.

“Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses.”

Funny +29
-172 Not Funny
08/19/2017 from DailyJokes
#10463


Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a “small,” $6,500 for a “medium,” and $14,000 for a “large.”

Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least a medium… and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

“She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

Funny +134
-43 Not Funny
08/18/2017 from DailyJokes
#10456

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

“That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

“It appears that you’ve got a bit a of a stuck paper problem there,” pointed the amused American.

“Well, will you look at that. I must be getting a fax!” Declared the Irishman.

Funny +166
-33 Not Funny
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