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02/18/2018 from DailyJokes
#11109

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, “You sign! You sign!”

Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Please leave”, and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!”

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit annoyed by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: “Look, push off ! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, the same man is standing there thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You sign!” Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?”

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: “You not Nissan Maindealer?”

Funny +15
-44 Not Funny
02/17/2018 from DailyJokes
#11106

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.

Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo

He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

Funny +87
-15 Not Funny
02/16/2018 from DailyJokes
#11103

Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.

They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.

Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her panties, used them and discarded them.

The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her panties…”

The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: “We will never forget you!”

Funny +138
02/15/2018 from DailyJokes
#11100

Four men were discussing coincidences at a bar. The first man said: “My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins.”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked. “My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets”

“My goodness,” the third man chimed in. “The same happened to me. My wife had quintuplets after reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven.”

The fourth man shouted, now looking quite ill, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,

“When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!”

Funny +70
-30 Not Funny
02/14/2018 from DailyJokes
#11097

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom.

I’ve found real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

With love,
your son,
Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!”

Funny +169
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