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03/27/2017 from DailyJokes#1971

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"


The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.


The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"


"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.


"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.


He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

03/26/2017 from DailyJokes#1970

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 

 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

 

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

 

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

03/25/2017 from DailyJokes#1969

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

 

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

03/24/2017 from DailyJokes#1968

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.


The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.


The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.


The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."


Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.


The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"


This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.


The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.


Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"


The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.


After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

03/23/2017 from DailyJokes#1967

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.


This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.


The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"


Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"


Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.


"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.


When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"


The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"