Jokes Library

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10/27/2016 from DailyJokes#1819

The first-time flier was very nervous as he buckled his seat belt before takeoff. He turned to the woman in the next seat and asked, "About how often do jetliners like this crash?"

She thought a moment and replied, "Usually, just once."

10/26/2016 from DailyJokes#1818

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

10/25/2016 from DailyJokes#1817

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter.

She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie...

“Today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

10/24/2016 from DailyJokes#1816

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification re-enforcers”.

Alarm that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire,

“What on earth are behavior modification re-enforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.

10/23/2016 from DailyJokes#1815

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body part identification and the 'k' sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of me.

“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.

“No, that’s your chin,” he said.

He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.

“No, that’s your other chin.”