Jokes Library

Find any really funny jokes? Vote for them! When these jokes get a user rating above 3, they move into the general section. Your votes will make our "Best Jokes" section funnier than ever!

02/28/2017 from DailyJokes#1943

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

02/27/2017 from DailyJokes#1942
There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it. For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover. In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents. "When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness. "Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?" Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
02/26/2017 from DailyJokes#1941
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

 In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

 In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure a new tape is in the video camera.

 In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

 In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

 In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice!"

 In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the child was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid says, "But I wanted an X-box!"

 In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in the fridge." 'The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents." -- John J. Plomp
02/25/2017 from DailyJokes#1940


An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. 

The banker pulled out the loan application.
"What are you going to do with the money?" he asks the Indian.

"Buy Silver, make jewelry, and sell it," was the response.

"What have you got for collateral?"

"Don't know collateral," replied the Indian

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. 
"Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes.  1949 Chevy pickup," replied the Indian

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse," replied the Indian

"How old is it?" the banker asks.

"Don't know, has no teeth," replies the Indian

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. 
He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. 
He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" the banker asks.

"Put in hogan", replied the Indian

"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," the banker asked.

"Don't know deposit," replied the Indian

"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. 
Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it."

The old Indian leaned across the desk and asks the banker...
"What you got for collateral?"

02/24/2017 from DailyJokes#1939

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.


"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.


That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"


"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.


The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.


The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"