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01/21/2017 from DailyJokes#1906

 

A guy and a girl met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to the girl's place for a drink.

 

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands.

 

He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

 

The girl looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist!"

 

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes. That's amazing. How did you determine that?"

 

The woman replied, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

 

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate and... (*snip*)

 

After their passionate deed was done the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

 

The guy was very surprised, and said 'Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist... You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?

 

His lover said, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing." 

01/21/2017 from DailyJokes#1905

 A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”

 

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”

 

The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”

 

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”

 

To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

01/20/2017 from DailyJokes#1904

The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”

 

The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

 

The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”

 

The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot.

 

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.

 

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares, “We’ve found your problem.”

 

“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.

 

“You’ve broken your finger!”

01/19/2017 from DailyJokes#1903

A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.



As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says,  "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts." 

 

"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."

01/18/2017 from DailyJokes#1902

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.



They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.


She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.