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06/26/2017 from DailyJokes
#2102

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this. For those of you not old enough, you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean, and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get
a chuckle or two reading them once more.

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said... 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word... It was just clean and simple fun.

Funny +193
06/25/2017 from DailyJokes
#2101

A Canadian man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and quietly said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled by her comment. When he was about done shopping, a man passed and said out of the corner of his mouth, “Your fly’s open.”

Being a good fellow, he zipped it up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he decided to intentionally get into the line where the lady was, who had told him about his barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached the check-out counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing at attention?”

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, “No, actually I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”

Funny +216
-31 Not Funny
06/24/2017 from DailyJokes
#2100

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Funny +220
-39 Not Funny
06/23/2017 from DailyJokes
#2098
You Sent What en Espanol

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick  with a fever.  She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
 
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.  She didn't know  what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
 
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse.  She said, "You might find a coat  hanger and use that to open the door."
 
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the  ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
 
She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
 
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old  motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker  skull rag on his head.
 
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?"  But, she was desperate, so  she was also very thankful.
 
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.  She said, "Yes, my daughter  is very sick.  I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car.
 
I must get home to her.  Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
 
He said, "Sure."  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
 
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a  very nice man."
 
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.  I just got out of prison today.  I was in prison  for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
 
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you, God!  You even sent me a Professional!"

Funny +258
-22 Not Funny
06/22/2017 from DailyJokes
#2096

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?

Funny +245
-27 Not Funny
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