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02/12/2017 from DailyJokes#1927

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.  Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied... "That's because he's inside your lousy cat."

02/11/2017 from DailyJokes#1926

A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.

The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”

The man replies, “I did... they loved it... and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”

02/10/2017 from DailyJokes#1925

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class.

 

She presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.

 

While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic... although sad to see it said!

1. Don't change horses........................... until they stop.
2. Strike while the.................................. bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before................... Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of..... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but....... how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..................... looks dirty.
7. No news is.......................................... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................... Mister.
9. You can't teach an old dog new.......... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll........ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.................................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the............. pigs.
13. An idle mind is.................................. the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's............ pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's..................... the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what....... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs
        with you, cry and............................. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as................ Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not....... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed............... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only
        what you......................................... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind........... get out of the way.

And the WINNER is... the last one...

25. Better late than................................ pregnant.

02/09/2017 from DailyJokes#1924

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says... "Where's my toast?

02/08/2017 from DailyJokes#1923

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

 

The first guy responds: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man".

 

The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow".

 

The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: "I guess I'd like to hear them say 'Look - he's moving!'"