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03/17/2017 from DailyJokes#1960

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.


Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.


In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.


The lawyer sued and WON!


Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the
'fires'.


NOW FOR THE BEST PART...


After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!


With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail... And a $24,000 fine.


This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.


ONLY IN AMERICA!

03/16/2017 from DailyJokes#1959

I Have Learned that...

... the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

... when you're in love, it shows.

... just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

... having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

... being kind is more important than being right.

... you should never say no to a gift from a child.

... I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

... no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

... sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

... simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

... life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

... we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

... money doesn't buy class.

... it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

... under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

... the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

... to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

... when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

... love, not time, heals all wounds.

... the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

... everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

... there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

... no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

... life is tough, but I'm tougher.

... opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

... when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

... I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

... one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

... a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

... I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

... when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

... everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

... it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

... the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

03/15/2017 from DailyJokes#1958


Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.


The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.


He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.


Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.


But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.


The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.


The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!


Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.


He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.


He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.


Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered... is to be in charge of her own life.


Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.


And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.


The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened


The beau replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.


Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?


Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?


What would YOU do?


What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down. OKAY?


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.


Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.


Now... what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly.

03/14/2017 from DailyJokes#1957

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:  "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."


3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."


4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:  "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."


5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:  "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."


6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:  "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful.)

 
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

 
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

 

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."


10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."


 11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."  (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January.)


12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

 
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

 
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

03/13/2017 from DailyJokes#1956
I was at the funeral of my dearest friend ­ my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held the box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in College, and prayed for me my entire life. When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor. 'What now, Lord?' I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord...My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. "I'm late," he explained, though no explanation was necessary. After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of Margaret?'' "Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one called her Mary,'" I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway? "Isn't this the Lutheran church?" "No, the Lutheran church is across the street." "Oh." "I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir." The solemness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. He was laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing. At the final 'Amen,' we darted out a door and into the parking lot. "I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled. He said his name was Rick and, since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee. That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time. In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, 'Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven.'