Jokes Library

Find any really funny jokes? Vote for them! When these jokes get a user rating above 3, they move into the general section. Your votes will make our "Best Jokes" section funnier than ever!

03/12/2017 from DailyJokes#1955

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.


An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."


The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.


The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.


Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"


The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.


Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."


St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"


"The great street of the city of heaven was of pure gold." - Revelation 21:21

03/11/2017 from DailyJokes#1954

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of
my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

03/10/2017 from DailyJokes#1953

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

03/09/2017 from DailyJokes#1952

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild's work.


As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

 

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

03/08/2017 from DailyJokes#1951

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and  nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".


Watson said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars."


Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"


Watson pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."


"Why? - What does it tell you, Holmes?"


Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: "My good Watson... someone has stolen our tent."