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01/04/2017 from DailyJokes#1888

My older son loves school, but his younger brother absolutely hates it. One weekend he cried and fretted and tried every excuse not to go back on Monday. Sunday morning on the way home from church, the crying and whining built to a crescendo.

 

At the end of my rope, I finally stopped the car and explained, "Honey, it’s a law. If you don’t go to school, they’ll put Mommy in jail."

 

He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"

01/03/2017 from DailyJokes#1887

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

 

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

 

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

01/02/2017 from DailyJokes#1886

Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.

The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! "

The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook."

Then the brother said, "What about your leg?"

The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ."

Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?"

The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."

The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?"

Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook!

01/01/2017 from DailyJokes#1885

“I’ve never flown before," said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, won’t you?"

“All I can say ma’am,” said the pilot, “is that I’ve never left anyone up there yet!”

12/31/2016 from DailyJokes#1884

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Daniel.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.