Jokes Library

Find any really funny jokes? Vote for them! When these jokes get a user rating above 3, they move into the general section. Your votes will make our "Best Jokes" section funnier than ever!

02/02/2017 from DailyJokes#1917

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

 

 

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

 

 

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

 

 

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

 

 

The American persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

 

 

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

 

 

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

 

 

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

 

 

"We throw them away, of course."

 

 

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

 

 

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's

02/01/2017 from Dailyjokes#1916


A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no re-sponse. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check.


The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well: "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked: "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up.


"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked: "Can you talk?"



The solemn little patient looked at him and asked: "Yes! And can you count?"

01/31/2017 from Dailyjokes#1915

 

Year ago when the Northern Lights were especially  bright, a young man went out late one night, saw them, and thought it was the end of time. He rushed down through the community, trying to wake up people up.


He came to the house of an old man, started pounding on his door yelling, ''Get up! They day of Judgment has come!''

 

The old man yelled back, '' Go back to bed. Who ever heard of the Day of Judgment coming in the middle of the night?''

01/30/2017 from Dailyjokes#1914

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

 

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said, ''You don't have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come.''

 

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said ''Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to go too.''

01/29/2017 from DailyJokes#1913

An elderly couple was attending church services.

 

About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband.

 

“I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?”

 

He replies, “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”'