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03/07/2017 from DailyJokes#1950

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.


The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"


"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"


"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."


"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.


Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.


With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.


What in the world are you doing here?" he demanded. "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."


"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over -- so now we're going to Sea World."

03/06/2017 from DailyJokes#1949

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV...

 

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.  The blonde looked at Jack and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."  The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" 


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."  Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. 


"The blonde replies, "I did too;  but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money..

03/05/2017 from DailyJokes#1948

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.


Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

 
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

 
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

 
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

 
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"


The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

03/04/2017 from DailyJokes#1947

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one.


"Me too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."


They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.


"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.


"Me neither. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.


They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.


As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I just love 'baskin' robins.'"

03/03/2017 from DailyJokes#1946

A young woman named Jessie received a parrot as a gift many years ago. Over time the parrot developed an extremely bad attitude.


 
It got to the point that every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious.  Jessie tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else she could think of to 'clean up' the bird's attitude and by then 'foul language.'


Finally, Jessie was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jessie lost it and shook the parrot. The parrot became uncontrollable and even more rude. Jessie, in desperation, threw up her hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


 
Fearing that she'd hurt the parrot, Jessie quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jessie's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


Jessie was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.


As she was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"