Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Three boys were standing around in the schoolyard during recess, bragging about how impressive their fathers were and how much money they made.

The first boy puffed up his chest and said proudly, “My dad is a poet. He just scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a poem, and people pay him fifty dollars for it.”

The second boy smirked and shook his head. “That’s nothing,” he replied. “My dad writes songs. He scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a song, and people give him a hundred dollars.”

The third boy crossed his arms and grinned. “You guys don’t even come close. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people just to collect all the money afterward.”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was busy cleaning up and preparing food in the kitchen while her young son happily played in the living room with his brand-new electric train set. As she worked, she could clearly hear the train circling the track, whistles blowing, and her son narrating the action with great enthusiasm.

Suddenly, the train came to an abrupt stop. From the living room, the mother heard her son loudly announce, “All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train, because we’re heading down the tracks!”

The mother froze in disbelief. She stormed into the living room, completely shocked by what she had just heard. In a stern voice, she said, “We do NOT use that kind of language in this house. That is completely unacceptable.” She then pointed toward his bedroom and added, “You are going to your room right now, and you will stay there for two full hours. When you come out, you may play with your train again, but you will use polite and respectful language. Do you understand?”

The boy quietly nodded and went to his room.

Exactly two hours later, the bedroom door opened and the boy returned to the living room. He sat down, turned on his train, and soon the familiar sound of wheels clicking on the track filled the house again. After a short while, the train stopped.

This time, the mother heard her son speak in a calm, professional tone: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have now arrived at our final destination. All passengers exiting the train, please be sure to take all of your personal belongings with you. We thank you for choosing our railway today and hope you enjoyed your journey. We look forward to serving you again in the future.”

The train started up briefly, then stopped again. The boy continued, “For those passengers who are just boarding, please place all carry-on items neatly under your seat. Smoking is not permitted on this train. Sit back, relax, and enjoy a safe and pleasant trip.”

The mother smiled to herself, feeling proud that her lesson had clearly worked.

Then the boy added, “And for any passengers who are angry about the TWO-HOUR delay, please direct all complaints to the bitch in the kitchen.”

Three grown sons had finally left home, each saying goodbye to their devoted single mother who had raised them with sacrifice, discipline, and love. They went out into the world determined to succeed, and over the years, each of them prospered in his own way. Time passed, and one year the brothers decided to return home together to celebrate their elderly mother’s birthday.

On the evening of their visit, the three sat together reminiscing and talking about the gifts they had chosen for her. Each loved her deeply, and each wanted to believe that his gift showed the greatest appreciation for all she had done.

The first son spoke proudly. “I wanted to give Mom something she never had while raising us,” he said. “So I built her a mansion. Twenty-six rooms, high ceilings, and a massive backyard filled with trees, flowers, and walking paths. It’s elegant, spacious, and peaceful. She’ll finally have room to breathe and live like royalty.”

The second son smiled and nodded, then added, “That’s impressive, but I thought about convenience. I bought her a top-of-the-line luxury car, fully equipped. Not only that, it comes with a private driver. She’ll never need to worry about traffic, directions, or carrying groceries again. Wherever she wants to go, whenever she wants, she’ll be taken there in comfort.”

The third son leaned back, grinning confidently. “You both did well,” he said, “but I think I outdid you. You remember how much Mom loved reading the Bible, and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. So I sent her something truly special. I found a remarkable parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. The church elders spent twelve years teaching him. All Mom has to do is say the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it perfectly. There’s nothing else like it in the world.”

The brothers sat in satisfied silence, agreeing that each gift was thoughtful and generous. They were certain their mother would be overwhelmed with gratitude.

A few weeks later, each son received a handwritten letter from their mother.

“Dear Milton,” she wrote to the first, “the house you built is far too large for an old woman like me. I live in only one room, but I must clean all twenty-six. I’m exhausted most days.”

“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to the second, “I’m too old to travel much anymore, and my eyesight isn’t very good. I spend most of my time at home, so the car sits unused. And I must tell you, the driver has quite a bad attitude.”

Finally, she wrote to the third son.

“Dearest Donald,” the letter read, “you were the only one who truly understood what your mother enjoys. That chicken you sent was absolutely delicious.”

A minister’s wife was expecting their first child, so the minister approached the congregation and requested a raise. After some discussion, the church agreed on a policy: whenever the minister’s family grew, his salary would increase as well.

After five or six children, the arrangement became quite costly. The congregation called another meeting to revisit the minister’s pay.

As you might expect, the room filled with arguments and raised voices. At last, the minister stood and addressed the crowd.

“Having children is an act of God,” he declared.

From the back of the room, a small elderly man with a long white beard slowly stood up and said in a shaky voice, “Snow and rain are acts of God too but when we get too much of them, we put on rubbers.”

A man’s wife sends him out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store, it’s closed, so he heads to a nearby bar to use the cigarette vending machine. While there, he strikes up a

conversation with a beautiful woman. A couple of beers later, one thing leads to another, and they end up back at her apartment.

Afterward, he looks at the clock. It’s 3 a.m.

“Oh no,” he says. “My wife is going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?”

She gives him some, and he rubs it all over his hands before heading home.

His wife is waiting at the door, furious.
“Where on earth have you been?”

“Well,” he says, “I went to the store like you asked, but it was closed. So I went to the bar for the vending machine, met a woman, had a few drinks, and ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah?” she snaps. “Let me see your hands.”

She looks at his powder-covered hands and shouts,

“You liar! You went bowling again!”