An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. He walks up and says, “Hi there, I’m the best musician in the world. For a few dollars I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes, “Alright then. Play this!” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone, and hands the guitar back to him. The Englishman pays up.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never heard before – better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever. The Irishman pays up.
Finally, the Scotsman says, “Alright, let’s see ya play this then!” and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. A couple more minutes and he’s still struggling, and there’s no sound coming out. A couple more minutes and still nothing, so the Scotsman says, “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says, “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I can get these darn pajamas off.”
A grocery store employee is working in the produce department when a customer approaches and asks to buy half a head of lettuce.
“You can’t buy just half a head, we sell them whole.” says the employee.
The customer responds “Go get your manager, and I’ll ask him.”
So the employee goes to his manager and says “Some asshole out there wants to buy just one half of a lettuce head…”, then suddenly realizes the customer is right behind him, so he turns and gestures “and this gentleman would like to buy the other half!”
After the customer leaves, the manager says “That was pretty quick thinking, where are you from?”
The kid says “I’m from Brazil.”
“So why didn’t you stay there? Isn’t it a beautiful country?”
“Yea, but the place is full of either soccer players or sluts.” Said he kid.
“My wife is from Brazil!” growls the manager.
“Really?” Asks the kid without losing a beat, “What team does she play for?”
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.
“This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, and this, and this…”
At this point the mini owner interrupted.
“But do you have a video screen in there?”
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn’t have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.
“I installed a DVD in my limo,” said the businessman proudly.
“What!?!’ the mini-man responded. “You got me out of the shower for THAT?”
A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, the angel says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said the angel, “That’s actually very impressive. When did this happen”?
“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.