Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was a bright, sunny Tuesday morning at “Timber Town Lumber,” and the yard was bustling with contractors and DIY enthusiasts.

A dusty, beat-up pickup truck rumbled through the gates and parked haphazardly near the loading dock. Two men, both wearing hard hats that looked like they’d seen better days, hopped out and marched into the main office.

One of them, a burly guy named Dave, leaned heavily on the counter and addressed the young, bespectacled clerk. “Hey there, buddy. We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk blinked, adjusting his glasses. He knew these guys were probably just confused by the standard naming conventions. “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” he asked politely.

Dave frowned, looking genuinely perplexed. “Hold on a second. Let me go check.” He turned around, walked back out to the truck, and had a brief, intense whispered conversation with his partner. A few moments later, he returned to the counter, nodding confidently. “Yeah, you’re right. I meant two-by-fours. My bad.”

The clerk smiled, relieved that the confusion was cleared up. “No problem at all. Alright, how long do you need them?”

Dave paused. His brow furrowed in deep, philosophical concentration. He tapped his chin, looked up at the ceiling tiles, and then looked back at the clerk. “That’s a good question. I’d better go check.”

He turned around again, walked back out to the truck, and disappeared for a full five minutes. The clerk waited patiently, assuming they were measuring the dimensions of a specific beam or checking a blueprint.

Finally, Dave came back into the office, looking very serious. He leaned in close to the counter and said:

“A long time. We’re building a house.”

A little old lady was celebrating her 70th birthday alone at a motel. Feeling a bit lonely, she decided that turning 70 didn’t mean she had to stop having a little fun.

She picked up the phone book and started looking through the advertisements. Suddenly, she spotted a full-page ad for a handsome escort named “Tender Tony.”

The picture showed a muscular man with a dazzling smile, thick wavy hair, powerful legs, and enough muscles to make a woman forget what year it was.

The old lady studied the advertisement for a moment and thought:

“Well, it’s my birthday. What the heck? Nobody has to know.”

She picked up the phone and called the number.

A deep, smooth voice answered:

“Good evening, ma’am. How may I help you?”

“Oh my,” she thought. “That voice alone is worth the call!”

Trying not to lose her nerve, she said:

“Tony, I’m 70 years old, I’m staying at a motel, and I’m all alone tonight. I’d like you to come over and give me a massage.”

There was a brief pause.

She continued, getting more confident:

“Actually, Tony, forget the massage. I want a little excitement. Bring whatever you need to make this a birthday I’ll never forget!”

Tony replied in his smoothest voice:

“Ma’am, that sounds absolutely fantastic.”

The old lady smiled from ear to ear.

Then Tony added:

“But before I come over, there’s just one thing you need to do.”

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Press 9 for an outside line.”

The courtroom was tense, the air thick with the weight of a bitter custody battle. Judge Harrison, a man known for his no-nonsense demeanor and decades on the bench, adjusted his spectacles and looked sternly at the ex-wife, Mrs. Gable.

“Mrs. Gable,” the Judge began, his voice echoing off the wood-paneled walls, “why do you believe you deserve full custody of the child?”

Mrs. Gable stood up, straightened her blazer, and spoke with absolute, unshakeable conviction. “Your Honor, it is simple biology. I brought him into this world. I carried him for nine months. Therefore, by the laws of nature and creation, I should have custody of him.”

Judge Harrison nodded slowly, tapping his pen against the legal pad. “That is a simple, yet surprisingly good reason, Mrs.

Gable. Thank you.”

He then turned his gaze toward the ex-husband, Mr. Gable, who had been sitting quietly, looking somewhat nervous but deeply contemplative.

“And you, Mr. Gable,” the Judge said, leaning forward. “Why do you believe you deserve custody of the child, sir?”

Mr. Gable stood up. He didn’t speak immediately. He thought long and hard, his brow furrowed in deep philosophical concentration. The courtroom held its breath. After a brief, dramatic moment of silence, he looked the Judge dead in the eye and replied with calm, mechanical logic:

“Your Honor, if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a can of Pepsi comes out… is the soda mine, or does it belong to the machine?”

A father and his grown son were sitting downstairs watching television one evening.

After a while, the father started rubbing his feet.

“Son, my feet are freezing. Do me a favor and go upstairs and grab my slippers.”

The son headed upstairs.

When he reached the bedroom, he noticed two adult friends of his sister sitting on the bed, chatting.

The son suddenly got an idea.

He walked in and casually said:

“Dad sent me up here to spend the night with both of you.”

The two women stared at him.

“Yeah, right! Your dad never said that. You’re just making that up!”

The son smiled.

“Actually, he did. And I can prove it.”

He walked over to the stairs and shouted:

“DAD! YOU DID SAY BOTH OF THEM, DIDN’T YOU?”

Without missing a beat, his dad shouted back from downstairs:

“OF COURSE I DID! WHAT’S THE POINT IN FUCKING ONE?”

The two women burst out laughing.

The son yelled back:

“DAD! I WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO GET YOUR SLIPPERS!”

His father shouted:

“WELL, BRING THE SLIPPERS DOWN TOO!”

The son shook his head.

“Dad, you really need to stop answering questions before you know what I’m asking!”

A young boy was standing on a street corner with a bucket full of freshly caught fish, trying to make a few dollars.

He waved at people walking by and shouted at the top of his lungs:

“Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here! Fresh dam fish!”

A local pastor happened to be walking by. He stopped and looked at the boy with a puzzled expression.

“Son,” the pastor said, “why on earth are you calling them ‘dam fish’?”

The boy looked at him innocently and replied, “Because I caught them at the local dam.”

The pastor nodded. “Oh, I see. That makes sense.”

He bought a couple of fish and took them home to his wife.

“Honey,” he said, handing her the fish, “would you cook these dam fish for dinner tonight?”

His wife immediately turned around and stared at him.

“Excuse me? Did you just say ‘dam fish’?”

The pastor quickly explained, “Of course I did. They’re dam fish because the boy caught them at the dam.”

“Oh,” she said, relieved. “Well, that explains it.”

That evening, the family sat down for dinner. The pastor looked around the table, picked up his fork, and said:

“Son, would you please pass the dam fish?”

His son grinned, picked up the serving dish, and said:

“That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”