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04/25/2019 from DailyJokes
#12662

A couple is finally going out to a nice dinner.

“The Magic Clown Circus is coming to town next week,” she said. “The poster says they have real acrobats. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year, Lisa.” says the man. “I’m super busy at work right now.”

The next night at dinner, before the man even sits, the wife bursts out excitedly: “The neighbors went to the show today and said the acrobats were doing the Macarena, the whole thing – on a tightrope! Can you imagine?”

“Honey, I’d love nothing better than to take you,” said the man. “But you know Frank will be mad if I don’t get this project done in time.”

The following night Lisa gushed about how apparently a dozen clowns had popped out of this teeny-tinsy-tiny car and did the Hokey Pokey in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing the neighbors had ever seen. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but he had a job to do. He left while his wife was still talking excitedly about goats doing the Cha-Cha.

The night after, the wife was quite sad and morose.

“Donald, My tennis coach said last night the lion tamer and the elephant rider did a waltz and it was just the most perfect scene!” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”

Donald mulls it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.

The next day at work the boss notices his best employee is out and inquires about it with the friend.

“Ah yes,” says the friend. “Donald won’t be coming in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

Funny +27
-102 Not Funny
04/23/2019 from DailyJokes
#12658

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long … easy, boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little shit’s name is Kevin!”

Funny +137
04/22/2019 from DailyJokes
#12653
The Winery en Espanol

 

A Californian winery managed to create a new type of wine by crossing Pinot Blanc with Pinot Grigot.

As a side effect, it reduces the number of times people need to get up to pee during the night.

It is being marketed in retirement homes around the world as Pinot More!

Funny +60
-63 Not Funny
04/21/2019 from DailyJokes
#12648
The Easter Jokes en Espanol

These 10 Easter jokes are perfect for sharing with friends and family over a cup of tea and a plate of hot cross buns. Just be sure to swallow before the punchline.

Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A Hot Cross bunny.

Q. What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A. Thistle have to do!

Q. How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
A. Eggs (X) marks the spot!

Q. How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
A. Hide in a bush and make a noise like a carrot!

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
A. To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Q. Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be 12 inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot!

Q. What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A. A receding hareline.

Q. What day does an egg hate the most?
A. Fry-days.

Q. Waitress, what’s this hare doing in my soup?
A. Looks like back stroke.

Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?
A. Eggsercise

Funny +36
-68 Not Funny
04/20/2019 from DailyJokes
#12644

A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy.

“So I hear you’re getting married?”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Nah, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well, then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”

Funny +81
-20 Not Funny
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