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12/10/2018 from DailyJokes
#12193

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven’t been fed in a while.

He accompanies an officer to check up on them.

The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer.

To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

“How is that possible?” said the officer. “That wall was solid concrete!”

The warden quietly inspected the cell.

After a few minutes, he exited and said, “He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole.”

The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist.

However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall.

And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.

The warden declared, “According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open.”

Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician.

Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation.

The officer sighed. “After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed.”

The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.

“It appears,” the warden said, “that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.”

Funny +16
-114 Not Funny
12/09/2018 from DailyJokes
#12189

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”

Funny +162
-22 Not Funny
12/08/2018 from DailyJokes
#12186

A young virgin couple is finally wed.

Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

“Pop, what do I do first?”

“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replies.

So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.

“Get naked and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.

“Now what do I do?” he asks.

His father replies, “Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.

A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. “What do I do now?” she asks.

“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.

“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”

Funny +114
-59 Not Funny
12/07/2018 from DailyJokes
#12182

A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.

He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.

A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.

The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.

He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”

The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.

When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”

Funny +69
-115 Not Funny
12/06/2018 from DailyJokes
#12179

A traveling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse. The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”

The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.

“Oh, I don’t mind that,” exclaims the salesman.

“Just one thing,” says the farmer. “No funny business. If you touch her, I’ll kill you.”

“Oh no sir,” says the salesman. “You can count on me!”

When they’re done, they spend the rest of the night piecing the eggs back together one by one and rebuilding the wall. They couldn’t get the yolks in so they just glued the shells together and threw away the rest.

The next morning, the farmer goes to his daughter’s room and takes a couple of eggs to the kitchen to make breakfast. However, all the eggs he tries turn out empty. When the salesman wakes up, he goes down and is surprised to find the farmer staring out the window at his chickens, holding a shotgun.

“What are you doing?” asked the man.

The farmer continues to stare. “I think one of my roosters is using a condom.”

Funny +32
-143 Not Funny
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