Jokes Library

There were two little crabs who met in Florida every year.

One year when they arrived, one little crab was shivering terribly.

The other crab asked why and he said,

“I got a ride here on a man’s moustache. He drove so fast, I was freezing.”

“Well,” the other crab said,

“why don’t you hide up a lady’s skirt next year? Then you won’t be as cold.”

The little crab said,

“Hey, that isn’t a bad idea.”

A year later, the two crabs met at the same place, and the one little crab was shivering very badly again.

The other crab asked if he had taken his advice and he said,

“Yeah, I went and hid up a lady’s skirt, but when I woke up in the morning I was on that’s guy’s moustache again!”

A little three-year-old boy was sitting on the toilet.

His mother thought he had been in there too long,

so she went in to see what was up.

She found him sitting on the toilet reading a book,

so she stood at the door quietly and watched.

Every ten seconds or so, he put the book down, gripped the toilet seat with his left hand, and hit himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother finally broke the silence,

“Johnny, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while…”

“I’m fine, Mommy…I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”

“Okay, you can stay here a few more minutes to finish, but, Johnny, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Johnny gave her a hopeful smile,

“Works for ketchup.”

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.

“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.

“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.

“I don’t know,” she wailed.

“I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ “

“Well,” the pastor persisted,

“You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ “

“I did,” replied his wife,

“but then he said ‘It looks great from back here, too!’

An old man wrote a will to his two lazy sons:

After my death demolishes this house, you will find a metal case down the foundation where you will find my saving to support the rest of your life.

They started praying to God! Oh Lord Father our Dad is too old, please take him to your kingdom.

Two years later he died and buried him immediately.

The following day the house was demolished, and they found a case with a piece of paper written:

If you are real men construct your own houses and stop your stupidity….