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11/14/2018 from DailyJokes
#12102

 

A local business was looking  for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

“HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.

However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.

He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked at him straight in

Funny +6
-30 Not Funny
11/13/2018 from DailyJokes
#12098

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.

During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it.

She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”

“Oh sorry, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Funny +109
-29 Not Funny
11/12/2018 from DailyJokes
#12095

I met an older woman in a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked.

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like.

I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’.

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?’

Funny +177
-18 Not Funny
11/11/2018 from DailyJokes
#12092

A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips.

After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like “I see” or “I understand” or “Yes, my child. Go on”.

The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.

“You’ve done well,” said the older man.

“Isn’t that much better than slapping your knee and yelling ‘No way! What happened next?'”

Funny +131
-29 Not Funny
11/10/2018 from DailyJokes
#12089
The Couple en Espanol

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure..”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.

“No, I can remember it..”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”

He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that – write it down?” she asked.

Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.

“Where’s my toast?”

Funny +146
-15 Not Funny
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