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08/21/2018 from DailyJokes
#11803
To Marry A Frog en Espanol

Long ago there was a man who had a 25-inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.

Once with the witch, he said, ”I need your help. My penis is so big it’s hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?” The witch said, “Go to the forest, in the middle of it you’ll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!”

So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.

The frog said, “No.”

Then his penis shrunk five inches.

He asked the frog again, “Will you marry me?” And again, the frog said, “No.”

And it shrunk another five inches.

Then he thought, “15 inches is still too big. I’ll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine.”

So he asked the frog one more time, “Will you marry me?”

The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, “I told you: No, no, and NO!”

Funny +67
-24 Not Funny
08/20/2018 from DailyJokes
#11800

A little boy boards a public bus and sits down right behind the driver.

He begins to speak: “If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I’d be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I’d be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I’d be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I’d be a little duckling.”

After listening to the boy rambling on and on in the same manner for a while, the bus driver begins to get annoyed.

He turns around and says to the boy: “What if your mom was a drunk and your dad was a bum?”

In an instant, the boy responds: “I’d be a bus driver.”

The bus driver probably should have seen it coming!

Funny +112
-39 Not Funny
08/19/2018 from DailyJokes
#11797

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Funny +159
-25 Not Funny
08/18/2018 from DailyJokes
#11794

Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven, and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their case for entering paradise.

So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says: “I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people, and always did my best to help. And although sometimes we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.”

The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says, “I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons. It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I always did my best.”

The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

“And you?” He asks the third nurse.

“I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with thousands of patients.” She answers confidently.

The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly, looking back from time to time at the woman’s file. After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles at her and says: “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven… for five days!”

Funny +139
-65 Not Funny
08/16/2018 from DailyJokes
#11791

A husband and wife were sitting quitely in the park when the wife looked over at her husband and asked the following questions….

“What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?“

“Definitely not!“ says the husband.

“Why not? Don’t you like being married?“

“Of course I do.“

“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?“

“OKay, okay, I’d get married again.“

“You would?“ (with a hurt look)

(Husband makes audible groan)

“Would you live in our house?“

“Sure, it’s a great house.“

“Would you sleep with her in our bed?“

“Where else would we sleep?“

“Would you let her drive my car?“

“Probably,it is almost new.“

“Would you replace my picture with hers?“

“That would seem like the proper thing to do.“

“Would you give her my jewellery?“

“No, I’m sure she’d want her own.“

“Would you take her golfing with you?“

“Yes, those are always good times.“

“Would she use my clubs?“

“No!“ says the husband.

“She’s left-handed.“

Long silence…

“Damn.“

Funny +126
-29 Not Funny
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