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07/13/2020 from DailyJokes
#13323

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches… The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see …size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see…34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see… 9- ½ E.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said “Let’s see…size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Funny +85
-16 Not Funny
07/12/2020 from DailyJokes
#13318

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.

He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.

The bus driver said shut up!

Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.

The bus driver said shut up!

Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.

The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?

The boy answered: “A bus driver.”

Funny +77
-38 Not Funny
07/11/2020 from DailyJokes
#13313
The Old Couple en Espanol

An old couple in an old folks home are having an affair, nothing much they just sit watching TV late at night while the old woman holds the old mans dick.

Then suddenly the old man ends the affair because of another woman.

The old woman’s distraught and yells, “WHAT’S THIS OTHER WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN’T!”

The old man smiles and says, “Parkinsons disease.”

Funny +87
-35 Not Funny
07/10/2020 from DailyJokes
#13304

Inside this 30-year-old actor lives Stanley the sperm cell along with about a million other sperm cells.

We focus on Stanley because, for once, he wants to be the sperm that fertilizes the egg.

He trains diligently every day. He swims around, lift weights, that kind of stuff.

An old sperm cell comes up to him and asks the reason for all the exercise and Stanley replies, “I want to fertilize the egg.”

The old sperm cell tells young Stanley that if he is the one to do this he must say, “Hi, I’m sperm.” to which the egg should reply, “Hi, I’m egg.” then you can fertilize it.

Stanley thanks him and the old sperm wishes him luck.

Finally, the big day comes. It gets warm and somewhat vibrantly inside and then they’re off.

Millions of sperm are swimming fiercely with none other than Stanley in the lead.

He’s so proud of himself.

As the distance between him and the other sperm grow, he notices a big red ball.

He knows this is the egg and he swims his heart out to finish the race.

He approaches the red ball and says, like the old sperm told him to, “Hi, I’m sperm.” the big red ball replied, “Hi, I’m tonsil.”

Funny +70
-38 Not Funny
07/09/2020 from DailyJokes
#13298

 

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar.

One is crying.

The other asks what’s wrong. “I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me.”

The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned.”

“Sounds like a great idea” says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says “look for yourself, there’s ten bucks in my shirt pocket.”

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

“Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.

“He did,” says the drunk.

“But he shit in my pants too.”

Funny +74
-28 Not Funny
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