Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A stylish young woman was waiting at a busy bus stop in the middle of the city. She was dressed head to toe in black leather a fitted jacket, matching boots, and a very tight leather mini skirt.

When the bus finally arrived, everyone formed a line to get on.

As the woman reached the door, she lifted her leg to step onto the bus—but her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t raise her leg high enough to reach the first step.

Slightly embarrassed, she smiled at the bus driver, reached behind herself, and discreetly pulled down what she thought was the zipper on the back of her skirt.

“There,” she thought. “That should loosen it.”

She tried again.

Still no luck.

Now a little more embarrassed, she reached behind herself once more and pulled the zipper down a little farther.

She lifted her leg again.

Nothing. The skirt still wouldn’t give her enough room.

By now, the passengers behind her were patiently waiting while she struggled.

Determined to get on the bus, she reached behind herself for a third time and pulled the zipper down even farther.

She tried once more and still couldn’t make it onto the first step.

At that point, a big Texan standing directly behind her decided to help. He gently picked her up by the waist and placed her on the first step of the bus.

The woman immediately spun around, furious.

“How dare you!” she shouted. “You can’t just put your hands on me! I don’t even know you!”

The Texan tipped his hat and calmly replied,

“Well, ma’am, normally I’d agree with you. But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were already friends.”

It was late autumn, and the golden leaves were falling thick across the remote reservation. The tribal members gathered around the new Chief, their faces lined with concern. “Chief,” the elders asked respectfully, “will the coming winter be cold or mild? We need to know how to prepare.”

Now, this Chief was a modern man. He had a university degree, wore jeans and sneakers, and had absolutely no idea how to read the old signs in the sky, the behavior of the animals, or the thickness of the squirrels’ tails. He’d never been taught the ancestral secrets of weather prediction.

But he was a proud leader, and he couldn’t exactly admit he was clueless. So he looked up at the clouds, squinted dramatically, and declared with absolute confidence, “The winter will be cold. Very cold. Everyone must collect firewood to prepare.”

The tribe nodded and began gathering wood. But after a few days, the Chief started to worry. What if he was wrong? He needed to be sure.

So he drove into town, found a phone booth, and called the National Weather Service. “Hello,” he said, trying to sound casual. “I’m just wondering… is the coming winter going to be cold?”

The meteorologist on the other end paused, then replied, “Yes, it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed.”

Relieved, the Chief returned to the village and told his people to collect even more wood.

One week later, doubt crept back in. He called the Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked.

“Yes,” the meteorologist confirmed. “It’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief went back and ordered the tribe to collect every scrap of wood they could find. The villagers worked tirelessly, stacking wood higher and higher.

Two weeks later, the Chief was still nervous. He called the Weather Service one more time. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” he asked, his voice tight with anxiety.

“Absolutely,” the weatherman replied without hesitation. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters in recorded history.”

The Chief was stunned. “How can you be so sure?” he asked. “What are your models showing?”

There was a pause on the other end of the line. Then the weatherman replied:

“Well, sir… the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

St. Peter and Satan were having one of their regular, highly competitive cosmic debates, which had somehow devolved into a fierce, passionate argument about baseball. Satan, never one to back down from a challenge, slammed his hand on the celestial table and proposed a high-stakes exhibition game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys from down below.

St. Peter adjusted his halo, leaned back in his cloud, and chuckled with absolute, divine confidence. “Very well,” the gatekeeper of Heaven said, a smug, self-satisfied smile playing on his lips. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players. We’ve got the archangels with perfect pitching arms, the saints with golden bats, and the absolute best coaches in the universe. It won’t even be a contest.”

Satan didn’t flinch. He didn’t look worried in the slightest. In fact, he just casually adjusted his tie, returned the smile with a wicked, knowing grin, and replied completely unperturbed:

“I know, and that’s all right. We’ve got all the umpires.”

It was the peak of the holiday season, and the line at the Pearly Gates was moving at a brisk, festive pace. Saint Peter, feeling particularly generous and in the Christmas spirit, decided to add a little seasonal flair to the standard admission process.

“Welcome, gentlemen,” Saint Peter announced, adjusting his spectacles. “In honor of this holy season, I have a special requirement. To gain entry into Heaven today, each of you must produce an item from your pockets that symbolizes Christmas.”

The first man, a bit nervous but eager, fumbled through his coat pockets. He pulled out a standard, silver Bic lighter. He flicked it on, producing a small, steady flame. “It represents a candle,” he explained hopefully.

Saint Peter smiled warmly. “A light in the darkness. Very good. You may pass through the Pearly Gates.”

The second man stepped forward, digging deep into his trousers. He pulled out a heavy, jangling set of house and car keys. He gave them a vigorous shake, producing a loud, metallic jingle. “They’re bells,” he declared with a confident nod.

Saint Peter chuckled. “Jingle all the way. Excellent. You may also pass through the Pearly Gates.”

Then came the third man. He began patting down his pockets with increasing desperation. He checked his jacket, his trousers, and even his socks, his face growing pale with panic. Finally, with a look of sheer defeat, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a lacy, bright red pair of women’s panties.

Saint Peter stopped. He lowered his ledger, raised a single, highly skeptical eyebrow, and stared at the man in utter bewilderment. “I must ask,” the saint said, his voice dripping with divine confusion, “and just what on earth do those symbolize?”

The man looked the panties dead in the eye, looked back up at Saint Peter, and replied with absolute, deadpan sincerity:

“They’re Carols.”

A woman was scanning the guests at a party when she spotted an attractive man standing by himself. She decided to walk over and introduce herself.

“My name is Carmen,” she said with a smile.

“That’s a beautiful name,” the man replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she said. “I actually chose it myself. It represents two of my favorite things in life—cars and men. Put them together and you get Car-men.”

She smiled proudly at her clever explanation.

Then she leaned a little closer and asked, “So, what’s your name?”

The man paused for a moment, thought about his own favorite things, and grinned.

“Nice to meet you, Carmen. My name is B.J. Titsenbeer.”