A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.
During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”
“Oh sorry, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”
I met an older woman in a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that? I asked.
‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like.
I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night’.
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?’
A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips.
After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like “I see” or “I understand” or “Yes, my child. Go on”.
The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.
“You’ve done well,” said the older man.
“Isn’t that much better than slapping your knee and yelling ‘No way! What happened next?'”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that – write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.
In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asks him if he’d like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “really trashes my desire for food.”
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again.
“No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says,
“Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving!”