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07/17/2018 from DailyJokes
#11662

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Funny +160
07/16/2018 from DailyJokes
#11658

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.

The man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, “That will be $6.40 please.” So the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke.” Then the ostrich said, “I’ll have the same.”

Once again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.

“The usual?” asked the waitress. “No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” said the man. “Same for me,” said the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, “That will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.

The waitress couldn’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” said the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” said the man.

The waitress asked, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighed, paused, and answered, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Funny +179
-12 Not Funny
07/15/2018 from DailyJokes
#11654

This Australian school has apparently had its fill of parental complaints, and has decided to record a very unique, and perhaps quite cynical, message…

This is the message that the — Maroochydore High School, Queensland, Australia **, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

*RRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGGG*

*CLICK*

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting you to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selction.

To lie about why your child is absent Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework Press 2.

To complain about what we do Press 3.

To swear at staff members Press 4.

To ask why you didn’t get information, that has already been enclosed in your newsletter and several fliers that have been mailed to you Press 5

If you want us to raise your child Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone Press 7.

To request another teacher, for the third time this year Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation Press 9.

To complain about school lunches Press 0.

If you realise this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her behavior,classwork, and homework. And it’s not the teachers fault for your childs lack of effort please hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language. Move to a country that speaks it.

Thank you for your interested in public education.

Funny +187
-21 Not Funny
07/14/2018 from DailyJokes
#11650

We all know that kids say the funniest of things, but what about parents? Well, as the Tweets in the jokes below prove, they say some pretty funny things too.

If you’re a parent then you’ll be able to relate to most of them, and if you’re not a parent yet, well, you might just get a glimpse of what lies in store should you choose to become one…

5 year old: Daddy can I gell you a secret?
Me: Sure thing buddy…
5 year old: *grabs my face and whispers*
I just pooped and I did’nt wash my hands.

Me: There’s my big girl.
3 year old: I’m not a big girl!
Me: There’s my little girl.
3 year old: I’m not little!
Me: What are you?
3 year old: A dragon.

My favorite thing about watching a new movie with my 5 year old is probably watching it 17 times a day for the next 3 months.

7 year old daugher: “If I’m watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn’t they be couchtoons cause I’m not in a car?”

No paternity tested needed.

Just taugh my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5 year old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.

As the parent of a 5 year old boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: We already have three girls.
What do you think the new baby will be?
2 year old daughter: A cat.

Funny +60
-88 Not Funny
07/13/2018 from DailyJokes
#11647

Our story begins with a young man who’s in the market for a used motorcycle. He’s shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck.

One day, he comes across a beautiful, classic Harley with a “for sale” sign on it. Upon inspection, he is delighted to find the bike in mint condition. He enquires about it with the owner: “This bike is beautiful!! I’ll take it. But you have to tell me how you keep it in such good shape!”

“Well,” says the seller, “it’s pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.” and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So our hero buys the bike and off he goes! He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan herself). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. See, it was the first time he was going to meet them and figured it would make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.

“Sweetie,” she says,” I have to tell you something about my parents before we go in. It’s really embarrassing but it’s a family tradition. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”

“No problem,” he says with a smile. “Sounds like fun”. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In fact, the entire house is littered with piles of them. This thing was no joke!

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, our hero gets more and more bored. To spice things up, he decides to test the limits of this game this family plays. He reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, undresses her, and proceeds to make love to her on the dinner table.

While that is going on, he thinks: “her mother must have had her as a teen, she’s gorgeous…”, so he grabs his girlfriend’s mother and proceeds to make love to HER on that same dinner table, but still, no one says a word.

Thunder sounds and heavy rain begins to fall. The ardent boyfriend panics, his perfect Harley! He lets go of the mother and as he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

The father stands up and shouts: “ALRIGHT! I’ll do the bloody dishes!”

Funny +122
-72 Not Funny
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