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09/27/2020 from DailyJokes
#13663

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils’ answer by reciting a short poem.

The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher’s pet. He stood and said…

“My name is Dan,
and when I become a man,
I would like to go to Japan if I can,
and I think I can.”

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating,

“My name is Suzy,
and when I become a lady
I would like to have a baby  if I can,
and I think I can.”

The next on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said,

“My name is Johnny,
and I don’t give a damn  about Japan
but I would like to help Suzy
in her plan if I can
and I think I can!”

Funny +75
-18 Not Funny
09/26/2020 from DailyJokes
#13660
The Superman en Espanol

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He’s flying over Wonder Woman’s house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a

glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She’s lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her, so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole’ in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all, I am Superman.

So, in he goes, wham-bam and he’s out of there.

Wonder Woman: “What the f*** was that?”

The Invisible Man: “I don’t know, but my arse hurts like hell.”

Funny +100
-40 Not Funny
09/25/2020 from DailyJokes
#13657
The Power Word en Espanol

The manager of a ladies’ dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with one of her sales clerks. “Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales clerks’. I’m sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have to let you go.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Janet humbly replied. “Is there any advice you could give me on how to do better?”

“There is an old trick I can tell you about,” the manager said. “It may sound silly, but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate. You’ll be amazed at the results.”

Sure enough, Janet’s sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again and congratulated her. “Did you try my little trick?” she asked.

“Yes,” Janet nodded. “It took me an entire weekend to find just the right word, but I did … ‘Fantastic’.”

“‘Fantastic’. What an excellent word,” the manager said encouragingly. “How have you been using it?”

“Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A’s and was the most popular girl in her class. I said ‘Fantastic’ and she bought $450 worth of clothing.”

“My next customer,” Janet continued, “told me she was in charge of the Spring Ball at the country club and needed a new formal dress. I said ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said ‘Fantastic’ and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It’s been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying ‘Fantastic’, and they keep buying.”

“Excellent work, Janet,” complimented the manager. “Out of curiosity, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?”

“I used to say, ‘Who gives a sh*t!'” Janet replied with a shrug.

Funny +102
-34 Not Funny
09/24/2020 from DailyJokes
#13650
Larry en Espanol

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?”

Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned.

“What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

“Well,

One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.. and,

Lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.” :p

Funny +148
-30 Not Funny
09/23/2020 from DailyJokes
#13647

Accountant – Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor – Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker – The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist – An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Statistician – Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary – Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer – Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Mathematician – A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.

Lawyer – A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a “brief”.

Psychologist – A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher – Is some one who likes children. A royal baby sitter.

Consultant – Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat – Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Funny +56
-46 Not Funny
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