Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.

The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.

I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”

She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.

As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.

The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.

The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

The baby is born.

The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit.

She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there.

An attendant saw her and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first.

You cannot stay here.” The blonde replied, “I can and I will.”

The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman.

“Ma’am, we really can’t have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy.”

“You can’t make me move.”

The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn’t work.

Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her.

After a quick chat with her, she moved.

The shocked attendant asked him how he did it.

The man replied, “I told her first class wasn’t going to Detroit.”

A small boy name Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You are driving me crazy Hameed!”

One day Hameed’s mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly that her son is simply a disaster, always getting very low marks and that even she shad never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career! The mother was shocked at the feedback and immediately withdrew her son from the school and moved to another town.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable heart disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which was successful.

When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to sell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong,
when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover.

… don’t tell me you thought that Hameed became a doctor!?!!