Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door.

They ask, “Who is it?”

“Blind man!”

The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?”

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team.

“Can you tackle?” asked the coach.

“Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

“Wow,” said the coach.

“I’m impressed. Can you run?”

“Of course I can run,” said the freshman.

He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

“Great!” enthused the coach.

“But can you pass a football?”

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.

“Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber.

“That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied:

“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.

Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.

A man comes home early from work and shouts, “Honey, I’m home!”

No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, “Honey, I am home,” but still no reply.

Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark nакеd.

“Oh Norman, I didn’t expect you this early,” she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily.

He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance.

He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket.

“Dad,” she says. “Dad,” she says again.

“What is it? I’m busy,” he says.

“Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on,” she tells him.

He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. “You bastаrd, you f**king  bastаrd,” he shouts angrily at Norman.

“You bastаrd! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!”