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01/16/2021 from DailyJokes
#14283
The Cowboy en Espanol

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and  determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and  the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done  a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by  the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. “Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. “Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. “Now take off my bra..” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

Funny +138
-19 Not Funny
01/15/2021 from DailyJokes
#14280
Sally The Blonde en Espanol

 

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a
small package and a large bird cage.
She was gone several days but finally she returned.
Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking’ so sad.
Liz “Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay…but you look so sad. Why??”
Sally, “Cause I just can’t get a man.”
Liz, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”
Sally, “Don’t be so silly. I know that.
But I went in the woods cause I needed something there
that would get me a man.
But I couldn’t find it.”
Liz, “I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
Sally, “Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls.
I took some dead mice and a bird cage.”
Liz, “So, how’s that gonna help you get a man.”
Sally, “Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a
good pair of hooters.”

Funny +112
-56 Not Funny
01/14/2021 from DailyJokes
#14277

 

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning:

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:

” Gently pours some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer.”

Wife texts back 10 minutes later:

“Computer really messed up now.”

Funny +171
-11 Not Funny
01/13/2021 from DailyJokes
#14266

 

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, then, I’m getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment.

It’s really a basement room, and it’s kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my “down there” but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease and there is no miscegenation in my life. However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, xxx

Funny +115
-39 Not Funny
01/12/2021 from DailyJokes
#14255
The Mouse en Espanol

 

A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come
over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower,
and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight
up her ass.
The doctor said,” okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside
of her ass until I get over there”.
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to
see the man holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese.
the doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese”.
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked,
but when the mouse started to come out,
the cat chased it right back up there!

Funny +78
-104 Not Funny
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