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A Cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink…Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he
was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like
to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened
in Texas?” The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman. After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t
be home. I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no pushback. Those are my
rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be sex here… whether you’re home or not.”
John was an easy target for any kind of strange gadget, and his wife Marsha had long given up on trying to get him to stop. One day, he came home with his latest purchase: a robot he swore could actually detect lies.
Around 5:30 that evening, their 11-year-old son, Tommy, got home from school, over two hours late.
“Where have you been?” John asked. “Why are you over two hours late?”
Tommy said, “Oh, a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project.”
The robot immediately walked over and slapped Tommy, knocking him out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot can tell when you’re lying. Now, where were you really?”
Tommy sighed. “Okay, fine. We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What movie?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” Tommy replied.
The robot walked over and slapped him again, harder this time.
With his lip trembling, Tommy finally admitted, “Alright, alright! We actually watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
John shook his head. “I’m so disappointed in you, son. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot immediately walked over and gave John a slap that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha burst into laughter, tears in her eyes. “Oh, John, you had that one coming! Besides, Tommy is your son!”
And with that, the robot turned to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair, too.
A Lion, a funnel web spider, a dog and a monkey are arguing over who is the most fearsome and powerful animal.
The lion begins, arguing fiercely, “I have the loudest roar, I have massive teeth ready to pierce meat easily, I run faster than both of you
reaching speeds of 70km/h. I am a symbol of courage, royalty and strength, you two stand no chance against me, you are all futile”
The spider retorts, “pfft, that’s nothing, I’m stealthy, and dangerous. You cannot get rid of me. Lion, you have been close to extinction so many
times, but I will always terrorise people, no matter how hard people try I can never be dismissed. I make people fear to leave to get a tissue to
kill me, my bite can kill a toddler in under 5 minutes, none of you stand a chance against me.”.
The dog stands forth, “you all talk of sharp teeth and venomous bites, but neither of you can compare to me”. The Lion scolds, and steps forth,
“prove it then”, nudging the dog. The dog immediately falls down, as if playing dead. The Lion and spider both turn to each other, confused,
“what happened to him”, the lion asks?
The monkey retorts, “fool, that’s John Wick’s dog”
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer.
He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish
policeman. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer’s expense.
The Scottish policeman says, “License and registration, please.”
And the London Lawyer says, “What for?”
The Scottish policeman responds, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The Scottish officer says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
The Scottish officer says, “The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
And the Scottish officer says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish officer takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and finally says, “Da you want me to stop or just slow
down?”