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05/31/2023 from DailyJokes
#17184
It’s a small town and not much happens most days,
so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story.
But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs.
He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it out.
The reporter pulls up and finds the farmer working on the fence, so he strolls over and says,
“I understand you had a little accident the other day and lost some livestock, is that right?”
The farmer, who seems reluctant to talk, just nods.
“We heard it was 2,003 pigs. Is that right?”
The farmer frowns a bit and nods again.
“That seems incredible. Are you really sure it was 2,003 pigs?”
The farmer starts to look really upset but again just nods his head.
“Well, my editor wanted me to check it out because 2,003 pigs just seem like a lot and…”
At this point, the farmer, now red-faced and steaming, shouts,
“Yeth, yeth! Two thows and three pigth! Now leave me alone!”
05/30/2023 from DailyJokes
#17181
An old man was sitting in a private box at a major football match with an empty seat next to him:
A young enthusiast saw the empty seat and said to the old man.
“Who on earth has paid for this expensive seat but not turned up they must be mad, do you mind if I sit here?”
The old man sadly looked up and said.
“For 50yrs I and my darling wife have sat together and watched every major final, but unfortunately she has passed away so I was unable to come, so you can glady take her place if you like.”
The young man thanked him for his kind generosity and sat beside the old man.
The young man turned to him and said.
“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but as sad as your story is, I have to ask, have you not got any relatives, like a son or grandchild or nephew that you could if brought along with you?”
The old man said.
“Yes, I have, but they’ve all gone to the funeral.
05/29/2023 from DailyJokes
#17176
One day at the garage, the new hire heard that the old master mechanic knew every acronym for every make and model
so he decided to put him to the test.
“Do you really know what every car brand name stands for?”
“Yup.”
“Ford?”
“That’s easy. It’s ‘Fix Or Repair Daily.’”
“Kia?”
“Kills In Accidents.”
“Fiat?”
“Fix it Again, Tony.”
“Okay, smart guy, I’ve heard all those before. How about Ferrari?”
The old man paused and said with a grin,
“Sugar, Honey, Iced Tea.”
“How do you know it means that?” the youngster asked.
“It’s what every Ferrari owner says when handed the repair bill.” the old man answered.
05/28/2023 from DailyJokes
#17174
A 15-year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked,
“What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go get your Mother.”
05/27/2023 from DailyJokes
#17171
“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby – he loved to fish.
He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’
He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.
The retd officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’
The frog said,
‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that
all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’
The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.
The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’
I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife..
With age – wisdom comes!