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Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. “I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. “Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar,
uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.”
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”
“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?”
The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.”
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.”
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company.
As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.”
“Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office.
Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.”
The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.”
The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?”
“What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!”
You’ll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
John was a loyal choir member, but he could not carry a tune.
To make things worse, he sang loud and made others sing off key.
Without success, the choir director had tried to discourage John from participating in the choir.
The choir director asked the pastor’s help in getting John out of the choir.
The pastor agreed to try.
The pastor tried to find tasks and responsibilities that would interfere with John’s attendance at choir rehearsal or keep him out of the choir loft on Sunday morning.
John, however, would not accept any of the tasks or responsibilities, stating that he would not shirk his duties as a loyal choir member.
Finally, the choir director gave the pastor an ultimatum, “Either you find a way to get John out of the choir or I will resign as choir director.”
So, with much uneasiness, the pastor called upon John at home one evening and said, “John, I must ask you to drop out of the choir.”
John was shocked and asked, “Why would you ask such a thing? We need all the singers we can get.”
The pastor replied, “Well, John, people are complaining about your singing.”
“How many?” was John’s response.
Not wanting to be too harsh and admit that nearly everyone in the congregation had been complaining, the pastor said, “I’ve received more than a dozen complaints.”
“I’m sorry, pastor, that’s not enough. I’ve heard a lot more complaints about your preaching and you haven’t quit yet.”