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A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as “Mother of Six” despite her constant objections.
One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?”
His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.
Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you weren’t warned. .
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
Jack’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Jack, “There, there. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know that hurts.”
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, “What happened?”
“She knows now,” Jack replied.