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An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during
the next commercial,
“You know, I don’t know. I don’t even think we got a
Christmas card from them this year.”
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”
“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”
Suddenly she burst out crying.
“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Mum!”
“Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”
“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”
An important executive was telling friends at his country club
about some of his life experiences:
“So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took
it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk.”
“Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another
plane on the field and burned up.”
“Then I married this beautiful blonde and no sooner did I get home
than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to
“So what’s the moral?” one of the others asked.
“Clear as a bell,” said the old man.
“If it swims, flies, or fxcks, ….lease it, …don’t buy it.”
Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner.
The first Pastor said, “Ya know,since summer started I’ve been having trouble with mice in my church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in the basementof the church. I’ve set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won’t go away.”
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, “I had the same problem so I baptised all mine and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!!!”
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.”
Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?”
Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.”
Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.”
Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?”
Caller: “Yes, I sure do.”
Agent: “OK, now press Control-A.”
Caller: “I am, but nothing happens.”
Agent: “The text isn’t highlighted?”
Caller: “No, there’s no change at all.”
Agent: “That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what’s happening.”
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): “Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?”