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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said,
“Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.
The policeman said,
“Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!”
The boy answered,
“I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema.”
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says,
“While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat.
She ate and ate.
Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock and smashed when she hit the floor.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shi*t.
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said,
“Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying,
“Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled,
“Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying,
“That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying,
“What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.