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14 Shares
09/21/2022 from DailyJokes
#16429

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.

The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.

He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.

No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members.

He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’

She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,

‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.’

She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.

And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes:

A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’

Moral of the story:
Never underestimate the power of God and His unique sense of humour.

Funny +81
-15 Not Funny
09/20/2022 from DailyJokes
#16424

Chuck was a teenager, and still a virgin.

His dad didn’t want him to go to college without having slept with a woman,

So on Chuck’s 18th birthday, he sends Chuck to the local wh0rehouse.

Times were tough, so he only could give Chuck a dollar.

The prost!tutes took pity on Chuck.

He gave one his dollar and they went into a room.

Somehow, Chuck was the greatest lay the prost!tute had ever had.

Passionate, caring, and a sizable package.

When they were finished, she told Chuck to take a duck that she had so he could cook it for dinner.

On his way home, the duck escaped Chuck’s hands and flew into the road, where it was promptly hit by a passing truck.

The driver was apologetic and gave our hero $25 as compensation for losing a nice dinner.

When Chuck got back home, he had a giant smile on his face.

His father, kind of in shock, asks him how it went, as a dollar barely gets you a halfhearted handjob.

So he says, “How’d it go?”

Chuck replied,

“well, I got a f*ck for a buck, a duck for a f*ck, and 25 bucks for a f*cked up duck.”

Funny +51
-40 Not Funny
09/19/2022 from DailyJokes
#16421

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them,

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

She was just bursting with pride for them.

“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

Little Johnny shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.” Miss.

Funny +71
09/18/2022 from DailyJokes
#16418

A 72-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor,

“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

The doctor asked,

“Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”

“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”

Then the doctor asked,

“Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barb-qued ribs?”

Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.

“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked,

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?”

“No,” Edgar said,

“I don’t do any of those things.”

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said,

“Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”

Funny +82
09/17/2022 from DailyJokes
#16412

Bubba and his family from South Carolina had recently moved in next door to Little Johnny.

Bubba was flying his toy aeroplane when it went over the fence into Little Johnny’s backyard.

Bubba went into the backyard to retrieve his plane.

“What do you think you’re doing?”, said Little Johnny.

“I’m getting my airplane,” replied Bubba with a thick Southern drawl.

“It’s in my backyard, so it’s my plane now.”

“Well, we’re going to have to settle this country style,” replied Bubba.

“You’re not in the country anymore, so we’re going to settle this city style.

“What’s city-style?”

“Well, we both stand in front of each other and kick each other as hard as we can in the balls. The one left standing, gets to keep the airplane. Being that the plane is in my yard, I get to go first.”

“Well, alright,” said Bubba.

Little Johnny rears back and kicks Bubba right square in the balls.

Bubba falls to the ground screaming in pain and crying profusely.

After about 20 minutes, Bubba stands up and announces that it’s his turn.

“That’s ok, Bubba, you can keep your airplane!!”

Funny +74
-35 Not Funny
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