Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An 80-year-old woman got arrested for shoplifting, and when she stood before the judge, he asked, “Ma’am, what exactly did you steal?”

She answered, “A can of peaches.”

The judge frowned. “And why did you steal peaches?”

“I was hungry,” she said.

He nodded and asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”

“Six.”

“Well then,” the judge said, “I’ll have to give you six days in jail.”

Before he could finish, the woman’s husband raised his hand and said, “Your Honor, may I speak?”

The judge sighed. “Go ahead.”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

A Georgia State Trooper pulled over a car on I-95, just a couple miles shy of the South Carolina line.

When the Trooper asked why he was speeding, the driver said, “Officer, I’m a magician and juggler. I’ve got a show in the next town and I’m running late.”

The Trooper’s eyes lit up. “A juggler? I love juggling! Tell you what—show me a little something and I won’t give you a ticket.”

The driver shrugged. “I would, but all my gear’s already been sent ahead.”

The Trooper grinned. “No problem. I’ve got flares in the trunk. Can you juggle those?”
“Sure,” the juggler said.

So the Trooper lights three flares, hands them over, and the man starts juggling flaming sticks like it’s the Fourth of July.

Right then, another car pulls up behind the patrol car. Out stumbles a very drunk South Carolina good ol’ boy. He watches the flaming juggling act for a moment, then walks straight to the patrol car, opens the back door, and climbs in like he’s checking into a motel.

The Trooper storms over. “Sir, what do you think you’re doing?”

The drunk looks up and says, “Just go on and haul me to jail. If that’s the sobriety test in Georgia, I ain’t got a prayer.”

Three nuns who had just passed away were heading toward heaven. When they arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted them. Surrounding the gate were lights and bells. St. Peter told them that before entering, each of them needed to answer one question.

St. Peter asked the first nun, “Who were the two people in the Garden of Eden?”

The first nun replied, “Adam and Eve.”

The lights flashed, the bells rang, and she was allowed through the gates.

St. Peter then asked the second nun, “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?”

She answered, “An apple.”

Again, the lights flashed, the bells rang, and she entered the gates.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the third nun.

“What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” he asked.

The nun thought for a moment and eventually said, “Wow… that’s a hard one!”

The lights flashed…

A farmer drove over to his neighbour’s place and knocked on the door.

A boy of about nine answered.

“Is your dad or mom home?” the farmer asked.

“No, they’ve gone into town,” the boy replied.

“What about your brother Howard? Is he around?”

“No, he went with them.”

The farmer shifted awkwardly on the doorstep for a moment. Sensing this, the boy offered, “If you need a tool, I know where everything is. Or I can pass on a message to my dad.”

The farmer cleared his throat. “Well… no. I really need to speak to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.”

The boy paused, thinking it over. Then he said, “You’ll have to wait for Dad. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I’ve got no idea what he charges for Howard.”

First-year medical students were attending their very first anatomy lesson with an actual cadaver.

They gathered around the operating table where the body lay under a white sheet.

The professor began by saying, “In medicine, there are two essential qualities every doctor must have. The first is that nothing about the human body should disgust you.”

He then pulled back the sheet, inserted his finger into the cadaver’s anus, removed it, and placed the finger in his mouth.

“Now do exactly as I did,” he instructed. Horrified, the students hesitated, but one by one they reluctantly repeated the action.

After everyone finished, the professor addressed the class again: “The second essential quality is observation. I put my middle finger in, but I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention details matter.”