Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.

Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?'”

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp.

He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”

The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two.”

“Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says,

“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaims the brother.

“And why not?” asks Stan.

“Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?”

Stan says nothing.

The brother grows impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan can’t take it anymore.

He gives his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asks his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?” ”

Yes,” the brother replies. “It would be an honor.” “Well, congratulations, you’re holding him.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approaches the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows.

When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passes the minister a $100 bill and walks away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulps, looks around, and says in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leans toward the pastor and hisses, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor puts a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispers, “She made me a better offer.”

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.

As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.

They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.

The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.

The baby is born.

The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.