Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Elon Musk, Tiger Woods, the Pope, and a college student are on an airplane.

The plane is going down, the pilots bailed,and it’s going to crash.

There are 4 of them and only 3 parachutes.

Tiger Woods says, “I’m the best golfer in the world, I think I should get a parachute.”

Everyone agrees, and Tiger Woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

Elon Musk says, “I’m the smartest man in the world, I think I should get a parachute.”

Everyone agrees, and Elon Musk jumps out of the plane.

The pope tells the college student, “My son, take this last parachute and live a long happy life.”

The college student says, “We can both go. The smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.”

An owner had a racehorse that had never won a race.

Finally, the owner lost patience and warned the horse, “Either you win this afternoon, or you’ll be pulling a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”

That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.

Angrily, he ran over, kicked the horse, and yelled, “Why are you sleeping?”

The horse wearily lifted its head and replied, “I have to get up at three in the morning.”

A dog sees a “Now hiring” poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

“Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”

The dog takes the poster in his mouth and walks in.

The manager spots the dog and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. “Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter,” and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

“Well, I’ll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?” he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. “Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you’re a dog.”

The dog nudges the words “We are an equal opportunity employer” on the poster, and the manager sighs.

“There’s no way you’re bilingual.”

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, “Meow.”

A widower goes to a psychic to contact his late wife.

“Honey,” he says. “Are you happy?”

“Yes, my husband,” she says.

Relieved, the man asks, “Are you happier than when you were with me?”

“Yes, my husband,” she replies, “I’m much, much happier.”

The husband smiles. “Heaven must be an amazing place.”

“I wouldn’t know,” she says. “I’m not in heaven.”

A kid caught his father chewing pennies and spitting them out.

The son said, “Dad, what the hell are you doing?”

He replied, “I’m making us rich son.”

“How?” the kid asked

“Simple”, he said, “I’m making bit coins.”