Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One night, a man walking home spotted a drunk on his hands and knees under a streetlight, searching for something.

He asked what the drunk was looking for, and the drunk explained that he had tripped and his Rolex had slipped off his wrist.

Being helpful, the man got down beside him and started searching as well. After ten minutes with no luck, he asked the drunk where he had actually tripped.

“About half a block up the street,” the drunk replied.

“Then why are we looking here if you lost it up there?” the man asked.

The drunk answered, “Because the light is much better here.”

An Irishman walks into a Dublin pub, orders three pints of Guinness, and takes them to a table in the back. He sips each one in rotation like he’s running a very slow relay. When he’s done, he returns to the bar and orders another three.

The bartender finally says, “You know, once a pint sits, it goes flat. They’d taste much better if you ordered them one at a time.”

The Irishman smiles and says, “Ah, but I’ve two brothers—one in America and one in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we’d drink this way to remember the nights we had together. So each pint’s for one of us.”

The bartender nods, touched by the tradition. The Irishman becomes a regular, always ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

Then one day, he walks in and orders only two.

The bar goes silent. People start exchanging worried looks.
On his next round, the bartender leans in gently and says, “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

The Irishman blinks, confused—then bursts out laughing.

“Oh no, everyone’s grand,” he says. “It’s just that me wife made me join the Baptist church… so I had to quit drinking. But it doesn’t affect me brothers!”

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “See that glass at the far end of the counter? I’ll bet you $100 I can pee into it from right here.”

The bartender accepts, so the man starts urinating everywhere—on the bar, the customers, and even the bartender—everywhere except the glass.

“Ha! You owe me $100,” the bartender says.

“Hold on,” the man replies. He walks over to the pool table, where someone hands him some cash and they both start laughing.

He returns to the bar and gives the bartender the $100. The bartender asks, “Thanks, but what was so funny over there?”

The man answers, “Oh, I just wagered $1000 that I could pee all over your bar, including on you, and you’d still be smiling when it was over.”

After completing his check-up, the doctor told the elderly man, “You seem to be in good health. Is there anything medical you’d like to ask me?”

“Yes,” the man replied. “After I make love to my wife the first time, I’m hot and sweaty. But when we make love the second time, I’m cold and chilly.”

The doctor then examined the man’s wife and said, “Everything looks fine. Do you have any concerns you want to discuss?”
She said she had none.

The doctor continued, “Your husband mentioned something unusual. He says he’s hot and sweaty after making love the first time, but cold and chilly after the second. Do you know why?”

“Oh, that silly old man,” she said. “The first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January.”

It was 1943, during the Second World War, when an Italian officer, a Japanese imperial officer, and a German officer were captured and placed in a holding cell awaiting Allied interrogation.

The German declared, “My superior strength will withstand any torture. I will reveal nothing.”

The Japanese officer vowed, “I will never disgrace my country by giving up our secrets.”

The Italian sighed, “Well, I’m finished.”

The Allies took the German first. When he was returned the next day, bruised and battered, he admitted, “I failed. I told them everything.”

Next they took the Japanese officer. Two days later he was brought back in terrible condition. He confessed, “I have shamed the Emperor. I revealed all our secrets.”

Finally, the Italian was taken—already crying and begging for mercy. Two weeks passed with no word. When they finally dragged him back, barely alive, the guard remarked, “Unbelievable. The other two talked immediately, but the Italian refused to say a single word.”

They threw him back into the cell, and the German and Japanese officers rushed over, demanding to know how he had resisted.

The Italian replied, “Mamma mia, I wanted to tell them everything… but they tied my hands behind my back.”