09/27/2026 from Daily Jokes
#22711
Yesterday, I was at my local Tractor Supply Co., standing in the checkout line with a massive, 50-pound bag of premium kibble for my loyal livestock guard dog. The bag was practically the size of a small refrigerator.
Naturally, the well-meaning but overly curious woman standing directly behind me leaned in and asked, “Oh my, do you have a dog?”
I stared at the giant bag, then back at her. What did she think I had, an elephant? I thought. But then I remembered: I’m retired. I have absolutely nothing but time on my hands, and my daily quota for causing mild, harmless chaos was currently unfulfilled.
So, on pure impulse, I looked her dead in the eye, lowered my voice to a somber whisper, and said, “No, I don’t have a dog. I’m actually starting the Dog Diet again.”
I paused for dramatic effect, watching her eyes widen. “Though I probably shouldn’t,” I continued, shaking my head with feigned regret.
“Last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital. I managed to lose about ten pounds before I woke up in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”
By this point, the entire checkout line had gone completely silent. Everyone was listening.
I leaned in closer, adopting the tone of a seasoned nutritional expert. “But honestly, it’s essentially a perfect diet. The way it works is, you just load your pockets with dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works incredibly well. I’m just determined to try it again.”
The woman looked absolutely horrified. Her face had gone pale. She stammered, “Did… did you end up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned you?”
I sighed, looking down at my shoes as if recalling a deep, personal trauma, and replied:
“No. I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s rear end, and a car hit me.”
