08/07/2026 from Daily Jokes
#22508
Father Thomas was a brand-new priest, and the weight of his very first Sunday mass was crushing him. He was so nervous he could hardly string two sentences together during his morning prayers. Sensing the young man’s panic, the seasoned Monsignor O’Malley pulled him aside with a conspiratorial wink.
“Father, when I get nervous on the pulpit, I have a little trick,” the Monsignor whispered. “I keep a small glass of vodka right next to the holy water. If I start to tremble, I just take a small sip. It works wonders.”
Grateful for the lifeline, Father Thomas decided to take the advice. The following Sunday, he stood behind the pulpit, his heart hammering against his ribs. He reached over, poured a splash of vodka, and took a sip. The warmth spread through his chest, and his nerves instantly vanished. Emboldened, he took another sip. Then, just to be safe, he finished the glass.
He proceeded to deliver the most energetic, impassioned, and utterly unhinged sermon the parish had ever heard. He talked up a storm, pacing the altar with the confidence of a revivalist preacher.
Feeling incredibly proud of his performance, Father Thomas returned to his office after mass, loosening his collar with a satisfied sigh. But as he opened his door, he found a crisp, handwritten note slipped neatly onto his desk. It was from the Monsignor.
With a trembling hand, Father Thomas read the list:
1. Sip the vodka, Father, don’t gulp it.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was crucified, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not “Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.”
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the living daylights out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, do not say he was “stoned off his ass.”
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, He said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did *not* say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as “Mary with the Cherry.”
