Daily Joke: Jokes Library

John is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Regis Philbin.

Regis, “John, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

John, “Yes.”

Regis, “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A)robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon.”

John, “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Mary.”

Mary answers the phone: “Hello?”

Regis, “Hello Mary, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend John here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be John’s…”

John, “Mary, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon.”

Mary, “Oh, John. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

John: “Are you sure?”

Mary, “I’m sure.”

Regis, ” You heard Mary. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?”

John, “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”

Regis, “Is that your final answer?”

John, “Yes.”

Regis “Are you confident?”

John “Yes; I think Mary’s pretty smart.”

Regis, “You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!”

To celebrate, John flies Mary to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they’re celebrating, John looks at Mary and asks her, “Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

“That’s easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.”

Three ghosts were in a  bar getting wasted, early in the morniing they step out of the bar into a tornado. Talk about three sheets to the wind.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said the new boy.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”