Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a sexy couple performed the “Dance of Love” with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn’t reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: “It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times.”

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?”

No more problem.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A Man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

1.Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2.How many seconds are in a year?

The Man thought for a few minutes and answered…

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it’s not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?”
The Man replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc…”

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………..Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………….. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who…………………..gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………..spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box