Daily Joke: Jokes Library

What is a plumber’s favorite type of shoes?

Clogs

“You know your going bald when your conversations with your barber keep getting shorter and shorter. I sit down. ‘How about those . . .’ ‘Next.’ ‘What?’ ‘We’re done.’ ‘Well, here’s a tip.’ ‘I can’t. That would be stealing.’”

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “In 1962.”

“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,

“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”