Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

“What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they’re all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They’re each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy’s cell.

He comes out and says, “I studied so hard. I’m so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific.” They open up the second guy’s door. He comes out with his wife, and they’ve got five new kids. He says. “It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it.” They open up the third guy’s door, and he’s slapping at his pockets, going “Anybody got a match?”

Girl : When we get married,I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy : It’s very kind of you,darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.

Girl : Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. “She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. “Omigod!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”