Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a beer.” He turns to the ostrich and asks, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer, too,” says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, “That will be $3.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20,” says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” says the man. “Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender, “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”

The wife stopped to listen.

He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”. “She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”. “Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.

The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. “That’s all fine and good,” she said. “But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on ?”

The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple……See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

mom: “wake up son, it’s time for you to go to school.”

son: “but mom, i don’t wanna go to school.”

mom: “give me 2 reasons why you don’t wanna go to school.”

son: “firstly, the students don’t like me.”

son: “secondly the teachers don’t like me.”

son: “give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?”

mom: “firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you’re the principal!”

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”

OH NO! the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?”

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent.

“Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “What’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog, “What does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you.” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” barks the dog.

The talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”