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04/25/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17071
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the jungle,
When the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.
The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
“What did you do that for?” asked the crocodile.
The elephant answered,
“That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago.”
The crocodile said,
“And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory.”
“Yep,” says the elephant.
“Turtle recall.”
04/24/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17068
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says,
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again.
This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says,
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies,
“I did, and today I’m taking them to the beach.”
04/23/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17066
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie theatre for the latest superhero saga – with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
” I meant my dress size,you idot!!!”
The moral story: Even when a man is listening, hes gonna get it wrong.
04/22/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17063
Paddy saw an elderly woman drop her purse in the high street this morning,
so he quickly followed her.
As he was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.
So he ran after her shouting,
“You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”
She didn’t hear him and proceeded to get onto the bus,
So he got on the bus behind her.
As he walked to the back of the bus he breathlessly said,
“You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald’s.”
“Thank you so much,” she said,
“Where is it?”
He replied,
“I just told you, it’s on the floor outside McDonald’s.”
04/21/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17061
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”