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10/29/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15369
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson&Hedges”.
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: “Extra Long King Size.”
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways”.
Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.
The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” (Mom fainted)
10/28/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15367
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train
that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly
walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch
He should have told me to look in!”
10/27/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15362
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.
He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
10/26/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15360
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s manhood was larger than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The Irish, unsatisfied with those findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and many pints of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
10/25/2021 from Daily Jokes
#15356
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.”
“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.”
He asked “How do you know?”
“The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license.
I told him, yes and handed it to him.”
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
‘You won’t need this anymore.’
So I thanked him and left!