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05/04/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14746
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, “Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”
Paw says, “All right, Maw.”
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”
Maw says, “Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.”
Paw says “I ain’t puttin my head in that there hole!”
Maw says, “Well you’re gonna have to if’n you’re gonna fix the problem!”
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”
Maw hollers, “Now pull your head out of the hole.” Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, “Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard’s stuck in the cracks in the seat!”
Maw says, “Aggravatin’, ain’t it?”
05/03/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14743
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.
“It’s my boyfriend.” gushes Judi.
“He was working on the engine under the hood of his car
when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”
“My god”, shrieks Carol. “Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?”
“No thank goodness” sniffs Judi.
“But it was the one just next to it!”
05/02/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14739
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde
woman because her hand signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning right,
then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left,”
said the officer.
“I decided not to turn right,” she explains.
“Then why the up and down?” asks the officer.
“Officer,” she sniffs, “I was erasing!”
05/01/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14736
There was once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line… ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”
The actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again.
Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”.
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked.
“No!” the director screamed…. “You forgot the bloody rose!”
04/29/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14731
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde
woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to
determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
“It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She turned red, and replied,
“You mean it shows that, too?”