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04/03/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14613
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your manhood was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
Moshe groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new wennie. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1000 an inch.”
Moshe perks up. So, the doctor says, “You and your wife must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
Moshe agrees to talk it over with his wife Zelda. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes, I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes,” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite countertops.”
04/02/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14609
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s somethin your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re a**holes!”
04/01/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14603
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.” The neighbor said, “Oh, I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.” Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again.
The new farmer says, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.” Astounded, the neighbor asked, “What went wrong? What did you do to them?” Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or not far apart enough.”
03/31/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14599
A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake.
The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake.
He thought for a moment and said “put you are getting older but you! are getting better”.
The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?”
The man said ‘Well…put “You are getting older” at the top and “but you are getting better” at the bottom.’
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were agape at the message on the cake.
It read: “You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!”
03/30/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14596
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
walked up behind him and whacked him on the head
with a magazine.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.
‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’
he explained.
‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when
she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time
with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked,
‘What the hell was that for?’
‘Your horse called!’