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04/03/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12587
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for laying the deceased robin to rest.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers, and with sonorous dignity, intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.”
04/02/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12584
A couple decide that they need a guard dog.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”
The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.
The man said “Okay, okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled
“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”
“Attack Chihuahua, my ass!” she responded
04/01/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12581
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl aged about six years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked: “Are you a cop?”
“Yes,” I answered, and continued writing the report.
“My mother said if I ever needed help, I should ask the police. Is that right?”
‘Yes, that’s right,” I told her.
“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me. “Would you please tie my shoe?'”
03/30/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12578
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! Reeling from the shock,
I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat:
“Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!“
03/30/2019 from Daily Jokes
#12574
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?”
1st nun: “Adam and Eve.”
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?”
2nd nun: “An apple.”
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?”
After a few minutes thinking she says “Gosh, that’s a hard one!”
The lights flashed…