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11/22/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12131
It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive.
The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women.
During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college’s conservative values.
She asked the freshmen: “In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption.
At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions.
One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:
“How do you make it last for a whole hour??”
11/21/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12126
A plane left JFK airport toward its destination in Europe without any unnecessary delays. During the flight, while the plane was at an elevation of 13,000-kilometers, a loud explosion was heard.
A traveler named Dave looked out the window of the plane, “God help us!” He shouted, “One of the engines exploded!” The rest of the passengers left their seats and went toward Dave to see what was going on when at that very moment a loud explosion was heard from the other side of the plane. At this point, all the passengers on the plane were in total panic, and even the flight attendants couldn’t calm them down.
At that very moment, Captain John came out of the cockpit, smiling, happy, calm and declared, “Valued passengers, you can be calm, everything is under control and you have no reason to worry.” The captain’s words helped calm things down, the flight attendants managed to restore order, and the passengers returned to their seats. At that time, the captain turned to the door of the plane and began handing out large bags to the crew, who tied them on their backs.
“Hey,” said Dave the passenger, “are you tying parachutes to your backs?” Captain John answered in the affirmative and Dave continued, “Just a second, didn’t you say there was nothing to worry about and everything is under control?” “That’s true, and you have no reason to worry,” the captain replied, and at the same time, a loud explosion was heard from the third engine.
“We’re just going to get help.”
11/20/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12123
A boy is wandering in a hotel, and after hearing some noises, he decides to open a door.
He says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
You can imagine that there’s a man with a woman in bed in that room.
The man asks, “What do you want? Here’s $10. Leave us alone.”
A bit later, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”
“Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something.”
The boy goes out with $20.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse and tells his mother what happened.
She says: “That’s wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself.”
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: “Wow, it’s dark here!”.
To which the priest says: “Not you again, are you following me around?”
11/19/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12120
Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”
The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”
Again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”
“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”
“So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”
11/18/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12117
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”