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07/01/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11609
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
06/30/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11605
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop!, right on his twitchy little nose.
“Oh, please excuse me!“ said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.“
“That’s perfectly all right,“ replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming.
By the way, what kind of animal are you?“
“Well, I really don’t know,“ said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.“
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… you must be a bunny rabbit!“
Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?“
And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?“
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer!“
06/29/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11599
Every adult knows that trying to understand and simplify life is an impossible feat.
But it can turn out to be pretty entertaining when you put some humor into it.
After all, adulthood often gets the best of us, so it surely won’t hurt to lighten up and look at life from a different angle every once in a while.
Here are the best attempts to simplify adult life – and as you will see, they’re ridiculously true!
Office Arithmetic
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
Relation Arithmetic
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Shopping Mathematics
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he neeeds.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she does not need.
Happiness Formula
To be happy with a man – understand him a lot, love him a little
To be happy with a woman – love her a lot, don’t try to understand her at all.
Marriage Formula
A woman marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change but she does.
Future Formula
A woman worries about the future util she gets a husband.
(Then she worries about the husband…)
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Argument Formula
A woman has the last word in any argument.
(Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.)
Success Formula
Successful Man: One who makes more money than his wife can spend.
Successful Woman: One who finds such a man.
06/28/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11596
A man goes into the confession booth at the church.
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.
“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up.
After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and… well… partied all night, if you catch my drift.”
“That is bad, but not horrible, my son. However, if it’s a one-time slip, God will forgive you,” said the priest.
“That is just the thing,” said the main,
“About a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well… You know, all night long…”
The priest remained silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “What should I do now, father?”
“What should you do??” screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!”
06/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11593
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
Bell 3 rings and we we’re ready to go on the trucks.”
“From now on,” he said, “We’re going to run this house the same way.”
“When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naled.
“When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed.
“When I say Bell 3, we’re going to make love all night.”
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled,”Bell 1!”
And his wife took off her clothes.
“Bell 2,” and his wife jumped into bed.
“Bell 3,” and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, “Bell 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” the husband asks.
“Roll out more hose.” she replied,
“You’re nowhere near the fire!”