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06/16/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11556
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more… until he was almost under the table.
The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:
“Pardon me, ma’am. But I think your husband just slid under the table.”
06/15/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11552
When a man gets into a conversation with God, he decides to try his luck with him to see if he can get ahead. Little did he know just how witty the creator himself really is…
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds.
He was identifying shapes when decided to talk to God.
“God, He said, “How long is a million years?”
God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God answered, “To me, it’s a dime.”
The man then asked, “God, can I have a dime?”
“In a minute.”
06/14/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11549
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
“How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
“Two and a half carats.”
06/13/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11545
There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things.
One day he thought he’d see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable.
He asked his friend, who owned an old Chevelle if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, “Sure.”
So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend:
“I’ll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you to maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down.”
With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph.
The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine.
But, all of sudden, an orange Camaro came up beside them and before you knew it, the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Chevelle.
A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready.
He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph
He called into headquarters on his radio: “Hey, you guys aren’t going to believe this, but there’s a Camaro and a Chevelle racing out here on Highway 3, and there’s a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!”
06/12/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11542
Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn’t stop. He hit the bunny head on.
The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene.
There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, “Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!”
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible.
The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.
The man explained, “I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it’s all my fault.”
The woman ran back to her car.
A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle.
She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it.
The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman.
Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again.
It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, “What is that stuff in that bottle?”
The woman replied, “It’s harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave.”