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04/03/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11269
A newly married couple moved into their new home. The next day, the woman asked her husband: “Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, Bob the Builder?” A few days later, the woman asked another favor from her husband: “Honey, my car isn’t starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, a taxi driver?” A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof. “Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like to you, the yellow pages?”
One rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking either. When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her, “My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?” She replied, “Oh, I ran into one of our neighbors, Daniel. He’s such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything.”
“Wow,” marveled the husband, “did he charge us for all of it?”
“No,” said the woman. “He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Oh good,” the husband rejoiced. “What kind of cake did you bake him?” The woman looked at the husband and said, “What do I look like to you, Betty Crocker?”
04/02/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11264
I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens.
As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive.
Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”
04/01/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11261
A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”
03/31/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11256
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith’s mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.”
“Not so fast, James!”
03/30/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11253
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
“Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.
“Not really,” says Mary.
“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.
“No,” she responds.
“Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?” he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
“Nah…” she shrugs.
“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”
“Well what WOULD you like?” John asks.
“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.
Sorry,” John sighed. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”