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01/27/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11040
A 60-year-old millionaire was getting married and threw a big wedding reception.
The big day arrived, and he got married to his stunning 23-year-old bride in the vast garden of his 50,000-square-foot mansion.
Champagne was flowing and an enormous team of waiters was flitting about serving the finest hors-d’oeuvres in the land.
Naturally, the millionaire’s less wealthy friends couldn’t help but feel jealous.
In a quiet moment, one of them asked him how he landed such a young beauty.
“Simple,” grinned the millionaire, “I faked my age.’
His friends were really amazed and asked him how old he said he was.
“87!” he replied.
01/26/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11037
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
She used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned… how was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”
The first man asked, “How’s that?”
“Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”
01/25/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11034
A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down. About a mile down the road, she came to an old farmhouse. Two men came out.
“Can we help ya, miss?”
“Yes, my car broke down about a mile back. Could you drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?”
“The town’s all shut up right now, but we can take you in the morning. You can spend the night with us.”
The woman thought: “Well, I really don’t have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself.” So she agreed.
“You know, miss, we’ve only got one bed in this house, so you’ll have to sleep with us…”
The woman thought to herself that she liked the look of these two country boys, and consented to sleep with them.
As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, “By the way, you DO have protection, don’t you?”
“Protection? What’s that?”
“You know, condoms.”
“Well, what’re they for?”
“It’s so I don’t get pregnant.”
“We’re simple country folk, miss. I’m afraid we don’t know about those things.”
“Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on.”
“Hmm… well, alright,” they said.
The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired, blew them a kiss, and drove off.
About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, looking sweaty and uncomfortable. Suddenly, one of them turns to the other and says “Ed, do you remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?”
“Yep.
She was real good, wasn’t she?”
“Yep.”
Say, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”
“Not really.”
“Well, then, let’s take these darn things off!”
01/24/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11030
I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis, then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while.
I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…
I don’t know how I pulled through it all. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.
01/23/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11026
A man and his wife were driving through the country on his way from New York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill it up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
“What can I do for y’all?” asks the attendant. “Fill ‘er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.
“What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.”
“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”
“What features does it have?” asks the attendant.
“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”
“Wow,” says the attendant, “That’s really something!”
“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.
“That’ll be $30.17,” says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
“What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant.
“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.
“Wow,” says the attendant, “Those Cadillac people think of everything!”