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06/05/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18471
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Careful.
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget.
Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
06/04/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18468
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.
One of the bees says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says,
“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”
But the man says,
“Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”
06/03/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18464
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.
Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old Little Johnny out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his grandson.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.
He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take The Little Johnny for his weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little Johnny anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single man queer, piece of sh!!!!t, horse’s , tree hugger, socialist left-wing pr!!!!__, blind man , and son of a b***____**** anywhere we went!
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”
06/02/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18460
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.
About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.
Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said,
“Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
06/01/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18456
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”