Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A mother-in-law comes home from shopping and finds her son-in-law, Pete, in a furious rage, shoving clothes into a suitcase.

“What on earth is going on, Paddy?” she asks nervously.

“What’s going on? I’ll tell you exactly what! I emailed my wife to let her know I was coming home early from my fishing trip. I walk through the door… and what do I find? Your daughter—my wife, Jean—completely naked in our bed with Tim McDurmt! That’s it. I’m done. Our marriage is over. I’m leaving for good!”

“Now, now, Paddy, calm down,” his mother-in-law replies. “This makes no sense. Jean would never do something like that. There has to be a simple explanation. Let me talk to her.”

A few minutes later she returns with a cheerful grin.

“See, Pete? I told you there would be a perfectly simple explanation!”

“Well? WHAT IS IT?” Pete shouts.

“She never got your email!”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon their hormones teamed up against them, and they sprinted to her house. After a “very productive” few hours, they both passed out cold and didn’t wake until 10 p.m.

The man jumped up, threw on his clothes, and said, “Quick! Take my shoes outside and rub them all over the grass and dirt!”

Confused but loyal to the chaos, she did it.
He slipped on the freshly “nature-kissed” shoes and headed home.

As soon as he walked in, his wife barked, “Where have you been?”

Taking the “honesty is the best policy” approach—just this once—he said, “I won’t lie. I was with my secretary. We… spent the afternoon together, and I fell asleep at her place.”

His wife glanced at his dirty shoes, pointed, and yelled:
“Don’t give me that! You’ve been playing golf!”

An 80-year-old woman got arrested for shoplifting, and when she stood before the judge, he asked, “Ma’am, what exactly did you steal?”

She answered, “A can of peaches.”

The judge frowned. “And why did you steal peaches?”

“I was hungry,” she said.

He nodded and asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”

“Six.”

“Well then,” the judge said, “I’ll have to give you six days in jail.”

Before he could finish, the woman’s husband raised his hand and said, “Your Honor, may I speak?”

The judge sighed. “Go ahead.”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

A Georgia State Trooper pulled over a car on I-95, just a couple miles shy of the South Carolina line.

When the Trooper asked why he was speeding, the driver said, “Officer, I’m a magician and juggler. I’ve got a show in the next town and I’m running late.”

The Trooper’s eyes lit up. “A juggler? I love juggling! Tell you what—show me a little something and I won’t give you a ticket.”

The driver shrugged. “I would, but all my gear’s already been sent ahead.”

The Trooper grinned. “No problem. I’ve got flares in the trunk. Can you juggle those?”
“Sure,” the juggler said.

So the Trooper lights three flares, hands them over, and the man starts juggling flaming sticks like it’s the Fourth of July.

Right then, another car pulls up behind the patrol car. Out stumbles a very drunk South Carolina good ol’ boy. He watches the flaming juggling act for a moment, then walks straight to the patrol car, opens the back door, and climbs in like he’s checking into a motel.

The Trooper storms over. “Sir, what do you think you’re doing?”

The drunk looks up and says, “Just go on and haul me to jail. If that’s the sobriety test in Georgia, I ain’t got a prayer.”

Three nuns who had just passed away were heading toward heaven. When they arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted them. Surrounding the gate were lights and bells. St. Peter told them that before entering, each of them needed to answer one question.

St. Peter asked the first nun, “Who were the two people in the Garden of Eden?”

The first nun replied, “Adam and Eve.”

The lights flashed, the bells rang, and she was allowed through the gates.

St. Peter then asked the second nun, “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?”

She answered, “An apple.”

Again, the lights flashed, the bells rang, and she entered the gates.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the third nun.

“What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” he asked.

The nun thought for a moment and eventually said, “Wow… that’s a hard one!”

The lights flashed…