Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here andyou should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says… “HEBREWS”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

The Sunday School lesson for the first graders was on the plan of salvation. The teacher asked, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

“No!” all the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “No!”

“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get to heaven?”

One boy confidently answered, “You’ve gotta be dead!”

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheard of… Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn while camping. Buy only those that read: “Beat on a rock in stream.”

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to  absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great  time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”

“Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”

He took his problem to his best friend. “Ike,” he  said, “I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I  do?” “Funny you  should ask,” said Ike. “I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came  home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they did,  and they explained  their problem to the rabbi.

“Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens:

“Funny you should ask,” said the booming voice: “I, too, sent my Son to Israel!