Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.

‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’

‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?”

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a piece of horsecrap.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 5 minutes – the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

But I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic.

One moron says, “Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree.”

The other moron says,” No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road.”

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree.

One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now.”

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”

The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”

The third said “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

“She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”