Find any really funny jokes? Vote for them! When these jokes get a user rating above 3, they move into the general section. Your votes will make our “Best Jokes” section funnier than ever!
10/05/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17595
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
“MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
10/04/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17592
Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat–
all die and go to heaven.
As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the golden retriever and says
“The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?”
The golden retriever says
“I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owner’s family for many years.”
God smiles. “Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand.”
He then turns to the parakeet. “What do you believe in?”
“I believe in colour, flamboyance, and music,” the parakeet says.
“For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner’s house with a song.”
“Your beauty is truly magnificent,” God says.
“And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left.”
God finally turns to the house cat.
“And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?”
The cat lazily surveys God’s throne and says,
“I believe you are sitting in my seat.”
10/03/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17589
This is something that happened in an old peoples home.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central dining room.
One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so another guy’s wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.
She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn’t arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.
He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time.
He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.
So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
10/02/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17586
One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman.
The prosecutor started by asking her,
“Do you know who I am?”
The old woman replied.
“Yes, you’re John Kim, and I must say I’m very disappointed in you. You’re greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you’ve been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are.”
The prosecutor was stunned, but tried to carry on with the proceedings.
He pointed at the defense lawyer and said,
“Do you know who he is?”
“Yes, he is Kenneth Skye. And I must say is that I’m very disappointed in him too. He is constantly drunk, gambles all the time, and is one of the worst lawyers around! Of course I know who he is.”
The Judge immediately called the prosecution and defense to approach the bench.
Once they were close enough, the Judge scowled at the pair and said.
“Don’t you *dare* ask her if she knows me.”
10/01/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17583
One day farmer joe was watering his farm a chicken came along and said
“How are you farmer joe”
The farmer said “im very good, do you want to help me water my farm”
A cow came along and said “how are you farmer joe” farmer joe said “im good, can you help me water my farm”
The cow agreed and helped farmer joe and the chicken.
On the third day farmer joe, the chicken and the cow were watering the farm.
A pig came along and said “how are you farmer joe” farmer joe said “im very happy, will you help me water my farm?”
The pig said “sure” and help farmer joe and the chicken and the cow to water the farm on the fourth day farmer joe, the chicken, the cow and the pig were watering the farm.
A horse came along and said “how are you farmer joe” farmer joe said “im great , but can you help me water my farm”
The horse agreed and helped them all water their farm on the fifth day farmer joe, the chicken, the cow the pig, and the horse were watering the farm.
A dog came along and said “how are you farmer joe” farmer joe said “im great , but can you help me water my farm”
The dog agreed and helped them all water their farm
On the sixth day the chicken, the cow, the pig the horse and the dog were watering their farm.
“Oh no” said joe i have run out of water.
“We must go to the store” said the chicken, the cow, the pig the horse and the dog.
They were walking to the store and stopped at the road to look left right then left again but the chicken didnt look; he just crossed.
“why did the chicken cross the road?!” farmer joe exclaimed.
“to get to the other side” replied the chicken.