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06/08/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17213
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted:
“Well, don’t you have something to ask me?”
Dave then got down on bended knee.
“Honey,” he said, “Will you buy me a new computer?”
06/07/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17208
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey.
It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
06/06/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17204
The ninety-five-year-old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady,
“I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked.
“You look like you are in good health. They are taking care of yourself, aren’t they?”
“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”
“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I am afraid they are all wondering where I went!”
06/05/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17201
An elderly couple visits a doctor
The doctor says to the old man,
“I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.”
The old man says, “What?”
The doctor repeats himself.
Once again the old man says, “what?”
So the doctor yells it,
“I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!”
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
“He said needs a pair of your underwear!”
06/04/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17195
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”