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08/31/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17490
The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. – A cat shows up.
St Peter says
“I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”
Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”
St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”
Next a group of mice appeared.
St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”
The Chief Mouse replied,
“Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”
St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”
Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.
“Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”
Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”
08/30/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17486
Tim made the decision to marry his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment.
His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks:
“Tim, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams,
“I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied.
08/29/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17482
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels falls off and rolls down the hill.
The young boy says: “I’ll be darned.”
A local pastor heard him and said:
You should not say that.
Next time your wheel falls off say:
‘Praise the Lord.’”
So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the wheel falls off and rolls down the hill.
The young boy says:
“Praise the Lord.”
The wheel stops rolling, turns around, roIIs back up the hill and puts itself back on the wagon.
The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims:
“I’ll be darned!”
08/28/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17478
A man shops for groceries with his wife.
The man sees a case of beer on one of the shelves and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” asks his wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.” he responds.
“Well, put it back. We can’t afford those.”
Without another word, the man obeys his wife and puts the case back on the shelf.
In the next aisle over, the wife sees a bottle of facial cream and puts it in the cart.
“What are you doing?” the man asks.
“It’s my face cream and it’s on sale for $20. It makes me look beautiful.” she replies.
“So does a 24 pack of beer, and it’s half the price!”
08/27/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17476
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma,
“you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”