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05/24/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14825
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden
she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes
drilled into her shoulder blades for the angel wings.’
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
‘Oh my Goodness,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’
‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter, ‘She’s just having her head drilled to fit
the halo.’
‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’
‘You can’t go to that nasty place,’ says St. Peter. ‘You’ll be raped and
forced to do oral sex.
‘Maybe so,’ says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes for that.’
05/23/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14821
A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with lovely legs, lovely smiles and and great personalities.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
05/22/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14803
A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.
A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?”
The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance.
The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy on your lap.”
05/21/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14801
After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.
Since he didn’t want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, “The world’s strongest weight lifter,” and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said
“Thanks for the treat!” It was signed, “The world’s fastest runner.”
05/20/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14799
As an airplane is taking off and is gaining altitude, the pilot comes on the intercom:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Thank you for choosing American Airlines. We are on our way to Miami and will reach cruisi….. FU***NG SH***T!! god FU***NG DVMN IT!!! WHAT THE FVCK!!!”
For a moment, there as an eerie silence in the cabin. Then the pilot comes back on: “I do apologize, but our new stewardess spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should have seen my pants from the front.”
A passenger in the cabin says, “You should have seen my pants from the back.”