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05/19/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14797
My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory.
So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.
“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”
“Ahhhh…um….hmmm” he took a second,
“Hmmmm…hold on let me think ermmmm…..it’s….daisy? No that’s not it….it’s petunia? No..no, let me remember….”
“Well is it like….Tulip?” I suggested?
“No, no. That’s not it…some type of flower I think”
“Is it rose?” I asked,
“Yes, Rose! That’s it!” He exclaimed. Then he leaned his head towards the doorway….“Hey Rose! What’s the name of those new memory pills?”
05/18/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14795
The Wine Taster At An Old Vineyard Died. A Homeless Guy, Looking Ragged And Dirty, Came To Apply. He Persuaded The Manager To Give Him A Try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels.” He said. “Impressive,” said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. “It’s a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”
05/17/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14793
“Doctor, Don’t Laugh!” A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to
promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed
at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has
ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first,
then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and
wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient,
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says,
“It’s swollen.”
05/16/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14789
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have. wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, “And what are those?”
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”
05/15/2021 from Daily Jokes
#14786
When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transplant some bees to a new hive. When we arrived I was surprised that out of the group the keeper picked me to dawn the traditional safety measures (IE: gloves, full suit and mask/head covering). Apparently my job was to grab any bees that stayed behind and didn’t naturally move to the next hive. As the keeper smoked the hive I could tell my services were going to be needed as quite a few stuck around and refused to inhabit the new location. I was instructed to “just grab them” and “put them into the new hive”. I was extremely apprehensive as I have a small fear of being stung. Not wanting to look like a wussy on our first date I jumped in and grabbed a large handful of writhing and angry bees that I thought for sure would be my demise. Standing there, with these wriggling dangerous insects in my hands I happened to lock eyes with my soon to be wife and I remember it like it was yesterday. Her hair shined in the sun and she had a radiant glow about her. I couldn’t look away, the keeper had to eventually jump in and guide my hands to the new hive out of fear of losing them. Out of the entire date I walked away with a passion for her and a new understanding of life and love. Beauty truly is in the eyes of the Bee Holder.