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10/23/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12030
A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.
He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said: “Are they in your house?”
He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.
The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.
“I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”
Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”
The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”
10/22/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12027
A young vicar about to deliver his first sermon asked the advice of a retired minister on how to capture the congregation’s attention.
“Start with an opening line that’s certain to grab them,” the cleric told him.
“For example: ‘Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.'”
He smiled at the young vicar’s shocked look before adding, “She was my mother.”
The next Sunday the vicar nervously clutched the pulpit rail before the congregation and stated, “Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman.”
He was pleased with the instant reaction, then panic-stricken.
“But for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”
10/21/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12024
An elderly couple who had just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary were sitting on their porch, relaxing.
Both were simply reading a book and rocking on their chairs. When suddenly, the wife looks at her husband and whacks him across the head, and goes back to her knitting.
Her husband, puzzled, asks, “What was that for?”
She replied, “That was for 50 years of bad sex.”
He goes back to his newspaper, but a few minutes later, he looks at his wife and whacks her across the head.
The wife, also puzzled asks him, “What was that for?”
Not looking up from his newspaper, the husband answers, “That is for knowing the difference.”
10/20/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12020
The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently due to a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to the Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.
After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg’s physician comes into his room and says, “Sol, I’m happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We’re going to send you home tomorrow. You don’t have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.”
Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife.
“Doris, you’ll never believe it! I’m completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you’ve never had before – wild, passionate sex! You’ll love it!”
Doris thinks for a minute and says, “I don’t know, Sol. I’ve heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don’t want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you.”
Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor’s office.
His doctor tells him, “Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I’ll write the note. Let’s see, here’s my prescription pad: ‘Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.’ Now, I’ll just address this. By the way, Sol, what’s your wife’s first name?”
“Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, ‘To Whom It May Concern’?”
10/19/2018 from Daily Jokes
#12017
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.
Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the Olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.
“Olympic condoms?” she asks him. “What makes them Olympic, exactly?”
“Well,” answers her husband, “They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asks with a smile.
“Gold, of course!” proclaims her husband proudly.
“Really,” ponders the wife, “Why don’t you wear Silver?”
“Why silver?” asks the husband.
“Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change.”