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10/08/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11981
A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbors.
At the first house, the owner said, “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
“$50” she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house.
The man’s wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house.
“She should. She was standing on it”
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’ve finished already?” the man asked.
“Yeah, and I had paint left over so I painted two coats.”
Impressed the man reaches for the money.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a porch. It’s a Lexus.”
10/07/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11978
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
“Don’t you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?”
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
“What are you so happy about?” asked her mother.
“I totally showed them. Today I didn’t even WEAR underwear!”
10/06/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11974
In a land far, far away, there was a Christian parish that had many attendees.
There was a priest who was part of it that used to give out miniature palm crosses that he made by hand.
One Sunday, he announced that he would be giving them out.
The congregation in the church that day reacted with glee.
“Put this cross in the room where your family argues most,” he advised.
“When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching.”
When the parishioners were leaving the church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, “I’ll take five.”
10/05/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11971
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “we have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from making love for two weeks.“
The couple agreed and came two weeks later.
The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?“
“Pastor, I’m afraid we weren’t able to go two weeks without making love.“ The younger man replied.
“What happened?“ inquired the pastor.
“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bend over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.“
“You understand, of course, that this means you’ll not be welcome in our church,“ stated the pastor.
“That is okay,“ said the young man.
“we’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.“
10/04/2018 from Daily Jokes
#11967
We all know what it means to be young – and boy do we think about those days a lot – but it’s not always easy to tell if you are officially ‘old’ yet or not. Here are 15 signs to look out for. If you experience any of these calamitously funny symptoms you are almost certainly past your best…
You know you are old when…
…you’ve been there and done that, but don’t remember what that was.
You know you are over the hill when…
… the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.
You know you are fading fast when…
… you spot that first gray hair on your kid!
You know you are on your last legs when…
… “Getting any?” means sleep.
You know you’ve seen better days when…
… you hear your favorite songs in an elevator.
You know your days are numbered when…
… you’ve still got it, but don’t know what to do with it.
You know you’ve got one foot in the grave when…
… the candles cost more than the cake.
You know life is passing you by when…
…you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.
You know you are knocking on Heaven’s door when…
… you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
You know you are about to kick the bucket when…
… you want to take back all those time you didn’t nap when you were younger.
You know you are about to bite the dust when…
… you read the obituary to check on your friends.
You know you are approaching the final curtain when….
… you start lying about your children’s ages.
You know you’ll soon be pushing up the daisies when…
… people no longer view you as a hypochrondriac.
You know your last dance is coming up when…
… you feel bad in the morning without staying out the night before.
You know the end is nigh when…
… Happy hour is a nap.