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10/06/2020 from DailyJokes
#13715

A man and a woman had been married for ten years  and decided to try and have kids.

They had not been using birth control for the entire time

they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if  the problem was with her.

She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her  the conclusions.

He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you.

You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a  baby it will be a miracle.”

The woman was very upset and went home crying.  Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.

She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel.”

Funny +147
-108 Not Funny
10/05/2020 from DailyJokes
#13710
The New Machine en Espanol

 

A married couple went to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a  new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,  explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than  the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this point, they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel quite well.Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman  dead on the porch.

Funny +142
-20 Not Funny
10/04/2020 from DailyJokes
#13705

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?” “Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”

“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.

So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks. “Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

Funny +137
-22 Not Funny
10/03/2020 from DailyJokes
#13699
Gorilla Remover en Espanol

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,
there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers”.

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog”

Funny +140
-12 Not Funny
10/02/2020 from DailyJokes
#13694
His Letter en Espanol

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Rob. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is not an option for us in the evening. I’m ready for some home-cooked food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour, but guys, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help her figure. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I’m not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Rob died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby. His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her “Not Guilty”, accepting her defence that Rob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.”

Funny +125
-25 Not Funny
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