Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game.

Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

“I think so, too,” said Mabel.

“Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse.

They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed.

Then came the second half.

When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

Three doctors are out geese-hunting.

A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun.

“I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese.”

Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it.

“I’ll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first.”

Some more geese fly over.

The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky.

“What were those things, anyway?” he asks.

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot.

Not knowing what to do, she called 911. “You gotta help me find my parrot!”

The operator patiently replied, “We can’t help you with that, ma’am. This number only deals with emergencies.”

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, “But you don’t understand! The only thing he says is, ‘Here, kitty, kitty!!!’”

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane.

10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette.

They all decide that one person should get off because if they don’t, the rope will break and everyone will die.

No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, “I’ll get off.”

The blondes, all moved by the brunette’s speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”