Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on
their sexual activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at
night by getting totally naked, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea,
so that night she got totally naked and began the long
process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was
a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg,
so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!
You look like an asshxxle!!”
Maw is outside hangin up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, “Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”
Paw says, “All right, Maw.”
Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”
Maw says, “Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.”
Paw says “I ain’t puttin my head in that there hole!”
Maw says, “Well you’re gonna have to if’n you’re gonna fix the problem!”
Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”
Maw hollers, “Now pull your head out of the hole.” Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, “Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard’s stuck in the cracks in the seat!”
Maw says, “Aggravatin’, ain’t it?”
Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
“What’s wrong?” gasps her best friend Carol.
“It’s my boyfriend.” gushes Judi.
“He was working on the engine under the hood of his car
when the lid came down and cut off a finger!”
“My god”, shrieks Carol. “Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?”
“No thank goodness” sniffs Judi.
“But it was the one just next to it!”
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-six-year-old blonde
woman because her hand signals were confusing.
“First you put your hand up, like you’re turning right,
then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left,”
said the officer.
“I decided not to turn right,” she explains.
“Then why the up and down?” asks the officer.
“Officer,” she sniffs, “I was erasing!”
There was once a great actor, who had a problem.
He could no longer remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says,”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line… ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”
The actor is thrilled.
All day long before the play he’s practicing his line, over and over again.
Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress”.
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter… and the director was steaming! “You bloody fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, “What happened, did I forget my line?” he asked.
“No!” the director screamed…. “You forgot the bloody rose!”