Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, “I have faith, God will save me.”.

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says, “I have faith, God will save me.”.

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, “I have faith, God will save me.”.

The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, “Why didn’t you save me?”.

God replies, “I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!”.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

At the movie theater, a young man returning to his seat taps the arm of a woman in the last seat in the row.

“Excuse me,” he says, “but did I step on your toe on the way out?”

“As a matter of fact, you did,” says the woman, expecting an apology.

“Oh good,” says the man, “then this is my row.”

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, “Didn’t you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!”

“Of course I heard you”, the man replied, “but it’s also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!”

Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery, but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her.

Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.

“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.”

The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom. The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money.

“Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”

“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”

And the doctor immediately collapsed and died of shock.