Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth closed that does the trick.”

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”

He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”

Two old-time political aides are walking through a shabby, overgrown cemetery, writing down names from the headstones.

One of the men works very fast, stopping only by upright stones where he can read the names clearly.

The other works deliberately, gone from one stone to the next, kneeling down and clearing away the grass and wiping away the grime in order to see the name clearly.

“Why are you spending so much time doing that?” the first man asked.

“I’ll tell you,” the second man said. “This is a free country with a Constitution and everything. Each one of the people has as much right as the next to cast his vote.”

A new neighbor called the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on the road.

The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.”