Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a – ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline’.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ Why no Ma’am,’ said the pilot, ‘What is it’, the little old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.

Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out.

So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man’s car bumper. Then he yelled:

Pull, Nellie, pull!

Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled”

Come on, Pull Ranger!

Still, Benny didn’t move.

Then he yelled really loud:

Now pull, Fred…. pull hard!

Benny just stood there.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

Ok, Benny… now pull.

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer:

I really appreciate that, but why did you call your horse by wrong name 3 times.

Why, old Benny’s blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he won’t even try.

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.”You have your choice of two brains,” he told the patient, “For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician.”

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. “Is the brain of a politician that much better?” he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, “No, it’s not better, just unused.”